Czarina Salido Helps Native Girls Find Solace In The Stars

This season of 2 Lives is sponsored by the Women’s Foundation for the State of Arizona. Learn more at womengiving.org.

The National Suicide Prevention lifeline is now 988. You can also go to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Outside of the US go to Samaritans.

Learn more about Taking Up Space here.

TW: A heads up we mention a suicide attempt in this episode.

From a young age Czarina Salido was fascinated with the night sky. 

I loved looking at the sky with my grandpa … Grandpa and I used to go out and just look at the sky and he would point out constellations. So I've always just been a dreamer. We had these stairs going up to the roof at my house, so we had a little sundeck and I just loved going up those stairs and lying back and watching the clouds. So I've always just had a fascination with looking up. 

The thing you have to know about Czarina is when she discovers a new interest she doesn’t just casually pick it up. It becomes an obsession. So almost every night she’d sneak outside and climb the rickety steps up the side of her house in Tucson hopping over the one broken step, to the roof and lie down under the night sky.

I wasn't really allowed to go up there because it was dangerous. Most of the time I spent up there was sneaking up…And then having someone yell because they could hear the footsteps and someone coming out on the roof, get off the roof. And so I would… run from one end to the roof to the other. And there was a wall that you could jump off of. So I would jump off, go around and be like I'm not on the roof. I'm right here. What are you talking about? I did that a lot. 

This is a story about how Czarina found solace in the stars … and how she was able to pass that love onto other girls. 

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.

Czarina was raised by her grandparents while her mom went to college and took care of Czarina’s brother. He had schizophrenia but her family didn’t really talk about it.

A Mexican family, you know, who doesn't believe in talking about feelings. And we a very, you know, non touchy, non huggy, just very stoic.

Czarina’s family was protective. Her grandfather always walked her to and from school. Her grandmother always told her, ‘if someone hurts you, I’ll hurt them.’ 

Grandma used to always say, if anyone touched her kids, she would kill them. 

Her family was big and close. There were always aunties around and at Christmas all the extended family from Mexico, California, and Arizona would gather at grandma’s house in Tucson.

One Christmas when Czarina was nine, her cousins came from Mexico. Czarina quickly noticed her 18 year old cousin was paying extra attention to her.

At first it made me feel special. And then I realized that something was wrong. And then it made me feel dirty and then made me feel ashamed. 

What started out as a game quickly turned into sexual assault. Czarina knows now he was grooming her – manipulating her into thinking his behavior was normal. 

…I was raped. 

But Czarina told no one. 

I didn't want to break up my family. My family was so close. If I came out and said, this happened. The drama, the arguing, the like, Grandma used to always say, if anyone touched her kids, she would kill them. So I was just like, if I say something, you know. Grandma said she would kill them. I didn't want to ruin the family, you know, like, our family was so tight that if I said anything, our family would be ruined. And so I had to be the keeper of the secret, because I didn't want to cause this fraction in our family. So it was just it completely changed me from the point it happened to now.

At school Czarina went from being the teacher’s pet, always raising her hand, and knowing all the answers to feeling anxious and behaving strangely. It was a cry for help. 

I peed in on my chair in class, which never I mean, and it happened afterwards. And my teacher pulled me aside and did some, but she knew. She knew something happened. 

Czarina recalls her teacher giving her a hug and asking what was going on. But Czarina didn’t say anything, in fact she stopped talking all together.

There was a girl who wouldn't talk very much. So instead of trying to get attention by doing well I was doing weird things like, I'm not talking anymore. So I just I stopped talking because I saw this other little girl got attention by not talking so weird, stuff like that. And so then I became like, the weird kid.

When Czarina got to high school she took control of her body and her sexuality.

I ended up wanting men's attention, and so I ended up being very promiscuous in high school…I had a boyfriend who was 22, would pick me up on his motorcycle in high school, and I thought I was so cool.

Czarina was 16 when she told her boyfriend about being raped by her cousin. Uncovering this long buried secret released all of the negative feelings about herself she had locked away and she wound up cheating on her boyfriend and they broke up. All of this sent Czarina into such a dark place that she attempted suicide. 

I just felt horrible about what I did. All those feelings of I'm just a bad person came back. And so my mom and I weren't getting along. I was sneaking out, and I was just like, I'm done. My life is done. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm in so much pain. I'm causing pain.

Her mom found her before it was too late and Czarina was admitted to a mental hospital for a week. When she left and got back to school she was able to share what had happened. 

I told my math teacher what happened and he started crying and he gave me a hug.

Her stay in the mental hospital didn’t do much to help Czarina’s belief in herself. But something else did – math. Czarina looked forward to the class everyday.    

Math gives you an answer. Two plus two is four. Boom. There's no like, let's think about this. Let's talk about this. You know, you have you have these wonderful properties, you know, just things that make sense. …All that stuff to me is like an answer to questions. Like there's something solid, there's an end to it. There's, there's a right and wrong answer. We don't have to discuss this. When it comes to like some solace to get math or math is just so lovely. 

In addition to math she found a new religion: the church of Oprah Winfrey. Everyday after school at 4 o’clock Czarina would tune in to the Oprah show religiously.

Oprah Winfrey was my my psychiatrist because she opened up how she went through rape and how what happened. And then we started learning about grooming. And I was like, ‘this is what happened to me.’ I always had this shame and thinking that, like, I was the one that brought it on because I didn't stop it.

But Oprah taught her it was not her fault… And, turned her onto the magic of being present. 

I found solace through looking at the stars, through my pets. Oh, I played violin. So anything that would make me. Not think and just put me in the moment…Being in the now helps a lot. And if you're in the now, if you're playing the violin or if you're just, you know, deep in thought, looking at the sky and looking at the stars and trying to figure out the constellations, you're not thinking about yourself.

After high school Czarina continued to study math along with philosophy, physics, and literature.

I first started going to a community college here in Tucson. I took everything. Because I just didn't know what I wanted to do. And I just kept taking classes and classes it took me. So so it took me ten years to graduate.

She wound up with four associates degrees and took a job in computer programming. In her off time she would run or hike.

In 2017 Czarina was on a hike when she blew out her knee.

My knee was giving out. I couldn't. I've always been athletic, hiking, and I couldn't walk anymore. I couldn't I was went down to the river walk and I got three steps into it and the pain was so hard. I just I couldn't do it anymore.

She was incapacitated, working from home, and losing touch with her support network. The only time she left the house was to go to the grocery store. But one visit sent her over the edge.

I knew the grocery teller because it's the grocery store, like right up the street. Huge lines at the grocery store. And I see him and I had like, you know, three things and was like, ‘Hey, can I can I go over there and jump in? Are you going to open up?’ And he's like, ‘Sure, come on…’ So he opens up the lane, I get my groceries and this lady across and who's been waiting, she's like, Hey, that's not fair. You're cutting lines. And she just starts going off at me…And so that was that. I was like, I'm done. I'm not going. I'm done. I'm not going to get groceries. I I've had it. And so I became a shut in didn’t want to have to deal with people didn’t want people to see me. You know I’d gained weight.

The incident made Czarina dive right back into the negative thoughts and this belief that she was no good. After several weeks of sitting at home, she was scrolling through Twitter one day when she saw an announcement from NASA that said they were having what they called a Tweet Up, an event where anyone could ask NASA officials questions. It was there that she found out about something that would change her life.

Somebody told me that I should go to space camp. And I was like, ‘What?’ And they're like, ‘Yeah, if you're really into this, you need to go to space camp.’ And I was like 

they have adult space camp? Very few people know that there's adult space camp. 

So Czarina signed up right away. And on the week of her birthday in October 2017 she flew to Huntsville, Alabama, the second largest space research park in the U-S.

Going to space camp was life changing for me as an adult. I wasn't exercising, I wasn't hiking anymore. My knee was going out. I just I wasn't leaving my house. And then to go to space camp and to be a part of this this team and to be. Doing these things that astronauts did and winning like competitions. It just brightened my world. I climbed a 40 foot wall. We had team challenges. You know, it was it was so special working in a team and having your voice heard.

Just like real astronauts in training Czarina had to climb a huge wall – a feat she didn’t think  she could do with her injured knee – but with her team cheering her on she made it. 

The space camp counselors also had them climb a telephone pole and stand on top of it while it wobbled and rotated. 

Czarina: Wouldn't be so hard if it was nice and sturdy. But it's not.So it's moving. You're climbing it. …

Laurel: You're strapped into something?

Czarina: Oh, yes, your harness…Well, yeah, but you, you do it. And the feeling of accomplishment.

They also prepared to take a simulated mission to Mars.

You practice and you rehearse and you actually do the same switching and toggling that the astronauts had to do...And if you do everything correctly, you will be able to launch. So you train. It's so cool. And so you train and they don't turn anything on for you…But then on the actual day of your mission, they turn everything on and it's just like, where did this come from? So you hear the of the engines whirring. You actually see the visual of like the simulator going up. And so you're trying to toggle everything you're having the captain, he actually has to fly it in. And the whole goal is not to not crash.

In just three days Czarina had virtually gone to Mars and back as part of a team of astronauts… And her outlook on life had completely shifted.

Place with a bunch of strangers and to communicate and to cooperate and to have them cheering you on at every step. It just changed my whole attitude. It completely changed my whole attitude about being a shut in and not liking human beings. 

Not long after space camp Czarina attended a space conference in Tucson where there was a talk about women in space. 

During the Q and A a lot of people were saying what can we do about getting more women in space? What can we how can we help? I'm I have people. I actually heard people say I have money to give… And I was like well I just went to space camp. I think the best thing you can do for girls is to send them to space camp, because as an adult going, I learned so much about myself. I got back a lot of confidence that I had lost here and there. I was part of a team I felt listened to. It was amazing. So I thought if I gained so much as a grown adult I can imagine what it would be as a little kid to have an experience like that. So right away after that, I was like, Well, I know what I have to do. I have to send girls to space camp.

That’s when Czarina came up with the idea for Taking Up Space – a non profit that sends Native American girls to space camp. Czarina is Mexican American with indigenous roots and says she identifies more with her indigenous heritage.

Women, especially Native American women, they have the highest high school dropout rate. They have the highest suicide rate. They have the highest murder rate. So. If there's a place that. Could use the experiences that I had in my past. This is it…In my math classes, philosophy of quantum mechanics, that was like three, I think, not two females in that, you know. And of course, I was the only brown one. So I've seen and it's still the same way where girls of color, especially Native American girls, are still on a lower platform. … So my goal is my utmost goal is for them not to go through anything that I went through for them to see. For me to be able to give them the tools that they need. To bypass everything that that I had to go through.

During a recent Taking Up Space zoom meeting Czarina demonstrated a rocket launch to her girls.

SCENE SOUND FROM ZOOM MEETING

Once they join Taking Up Space, Czarina leads the girls through a 36-week online course to prepare them for space camp. They cover math and do science experiments but their meetings go way beyond that too. 

Very much an auntie to them. And my aunties were a big role in my life. PAUSE HERE I'm working with them from 9 to 13. A lot of them, most of them, 90%, get their period during that time. So we start talking about periods.

And because Czarina does nothing halfway she’s grown quite attached to her girls. She’s taken on her grandmother’s protectiveness, too. 

I tell my parents just to know that if anything ever happens. I know for a fact, and this one that I will shield for those little girls with my body. No, I will protect them in any way I can because. That they're so important. They're more important than anything. It just really makes me. Love. I'm crying because I'm happy for them. Because I'm crying for. How deep of a love I have for those girls. 

Czarina has sent more than a dozen Native girls to space camp. And in doing so, she has learned–with a little help from Oprah– to be a champion for herself – for her nine year old self.

So in 2009 when she found out her rapist had died, Czarina finally sat down with her mom and told her what happened. 

Right now I'm living my best life that I've ever had. I'm at this point right now, I'm able to talk about things. I'm able to share stuff…I'm open to helping any anyone who needs help. I'm here for them. And I don't know if I could have said that before. I feel I feel pretty good about where I'm at right now. 

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.