Stand Up Remedies Comedian’s Crohn’s Disease

You can find out more about Ian Goldstein at his website.

Transcript

For a long time Ian Goldstein’s life was restricted. Many foods were forbidden, violent movies, even certain people were off limits because of his father’s strong faith.

He was just very, very intense about Judaism. I remember one of the things he said was if you marry someone who is not Jewish, it's sort of like finishing what Hitler started. So it was very intense and very intense thing to say. And I knew what he meant by that because you're kind of eroding away at what? You know, the Jewish religion and culture. But it seems like an intense thing to equate it to.

His dad was a complex person who loved his kids very much. In fact he never yelled at them, but Ian and his older siblings knew when they disappointed their dad.

He would just get very quiet and you, but you felt the mood like radiate throughout the room like something's wrong…there is something about the disappointment that's very heavy. And so yeah that that did factor into a lot of like restricting myself because you're just like, okay, you want to do the right thing. So don't you can't just do anything at any time. You have to make sure you're within the, the laws and the rules. 

Ian found escape in comedy – Saturday Night Live, Monty Python, and Mel Brooks movies. He even secretly came up with his own jokes, but didn’t feel like he could share them.

IAN: My dad was always so serious about a lot of things… And I always felt like the jokes that I would think of were kid jokes. Like they weren't adult jokes. They weren't jokes that would make him laugh, you know? 

LAUREL: So you kept them to yourself? 

IAN: I think I kept them to myself. There's like a fear. No fear not. He wouldn't get angry at me, but it just the fear that it would fall flat or just like, oh, that's misunderstood, because I'm not communicating it correctly. 

Looking back there was a lot that wasn’t communicated. 

I definitely sense depression and anxiety with both of my parents and both of my siblings and all of us.

This is a story about what happens when Ian liberates himself from childhood restrictions and gives himself permission to make his own choices.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.

Premature Aging

Ian Goldstein’s parents divorced when he was nine. His sister stayed with their dad, while Ian and his brother moved in with their mom, who was coming to grips with the fact that she was gay. And at 9 years old Ian felt like he was responsible for his mother’s wellbeing. 

I guess it's Freudian, but like this husband type figure, I think that's what it sort of becomes is like, oh, you you're there to help out and take care of things and. Yeah. And just just a sense of responsibility for not not acting out. Don't be like a brat about things. Just be as mature as you can. So that I think there was a sense of maturing at a younger age because. Because you wanted them to be okay.

But living with their mom meant he and his brother didn’t have the food restrictions they had with their dad. They could eat whatever they wanted.

Once we moved to them with our mom, we rebelled against being kosher and Judaism. And we just the first thing we ate, I remember, was like baloney and American cheese on white bread, like Wonder Bread. So it was like none of those things I realized are food at all. Like, none of the things are actual food. It's all processed. But that was such a joy. 

By the way Ian lives in Brooklyn close to the subway, which will become evident as you listen. Ian and his brother could also watch whatever they wanted on tv. They couldn’t get enough of stand up comedians like Eddie Murphy and Dana Carvy. At the same time they came up with their own jokes and movie ideas (heavily influenced by Monty Python and often involving a bank heist). 

Fear Of Aging Started Young

Ian’s mom would take them to visit her mother – their grandmother – in a nursing home. While there, it struck Ian that getting old was a lot like being a kid when it came to a lack of freedom.

My grandma, I mean, my mom's mother, I just seen her in a nursing home with Alzheimer's and just, you know, that was when I was like about to go to college. And I was like, okay, I'm I'm on a trajectory now where I'm about to do my own thing and be in college and run around and venture like just new adventures. And here's someone who's not that old. She wasn't even 80 yet, and she was in a nursing home where she needed to have, you know, 24 hour care and had no independence. And you had to really convince the aides to even help her.

He thought I only have a certain amount of time before my choices will be taken away again. 

Then at age 11 he began to hear a ticking clock in the back of his mind. It started one night in front of the TV. He was watching the Oscars and saw a 13 year old girl was nominated for best actress – the youngest at the time. 

And in my head, I was always like, I have to be the youngest person to do this. Me and my brother. Just the things we watched and just looking at these musicians and people we admired who achieved things. Young athletes and musicians and comedians were all young, and I think that's what tied into it, young and successful. I remember thinking that and being like, I need to be that. I need to be the youngest person. 

So he told himself he and his brother had to write a winning screenplay by the time they were in college. 

That's what always seemed to be the big thing was like 30 under 30. You got to do everything you want to accomplish everything by by 29. If not, you're failure, which is such a warped perspective.

Diagnosed With Crohn’s 

But when Ian was 16, something strange happened. He started losing a lot of weight. 

I was really, really thin and I lost, like, 20 pounds. I remember. I remember I was working at a supermarket, then at the supermarket. They said, Ian, you look really thin. And I really took it as a compliment because I was like, Oh, good. I'm like, I'm thin is good. I'm in good shape. They're like, No, you look really pale. You look really pale and thin. So I was losing a lot of weight. I was not hungry ever. I was had like bowel movements every, you know, half hour. So I would, you know, be in chemistry class and have to rush out because you basically feel like you're just going to grab your pants if you don't do it immediately.

So his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where they ran several tests. It took a few months before they ordered a colonoscopy, an exam normally done on someone 50 or older, where they send a tiny camera through a person’s anus to look for swollen tissue or cancer. At this point Ian was not only going to the bathroom all the time, but he was in a lot of pain. 

And I remember at 16 being like, Oh my God, I'm gonna have a colonoscopy. Like at 16, What the hell? 

The doctor discovered Ian had Crohn’s Disease, which is a chronic inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract.

And it it does not go away on its own. It's I would say it's very rare, if not impossible, that it goes away on its own without some medical intervention and it can cause those type of symptoms, usually diarrhea, abdominal pain, bowel obstructions.

He had to get a colonoscopy every six months…Just what you want to hear as a 16 year old. Most teenagers are stressing over a geometry final or the SAT, not a colonoscopy.

I was scared. There was a sense of there was a sense of premature aging, which is seems to be a common theme in my life of like, this shouldn't be happening to me at this young age, I think. So that caused a lot of fear of like, why is this happening to me and why now? 

Ian thought if I take this medicine, I’ll feel better. And he did, so he didn’t give his illness much thought until six years later when he was in college. By this time he and his brother had gone back to Judaism and were kosher. It was Passover, and Ian had eaten too much matzah, a flat crispy bread made of flour and water. 

Worst Pain

I felt extremely constipated and I was like, okay, something this is this is a really weird pain, but it's probably just constipation. So I bought a bunch of prunes and had a bunch of those. And then the pain got really worse, and it was probably the most intense pain to ever had in my life. And I remember lying on the bathroom floor in my in my dorm, and my suite mate had to call the ambulance for me. And they said, ‘yeah, you've had a bowel obstruction.’ And I didn't know it … I didn't know what a bowel obstruction was. And so it was essentially that the food that I was eating got caught and couldn't move, and it was stuck because of scar tissue that had formed from inflammation that was not treated. And so everything's blocked up and your body starts to sort of throw up. You start to have some bleeding in your stool. 

LAUREL: Can you describe the pain?

IAN: It's one of those things where I remember when you're in it, you don't know what it feels like to feel normal at all. You can't even envision what normal feels like. PAUSE I mean, God, I mean, I guess the closest thing I could say is just felt like someone stabbed you. And the knife is still in there and won't move. And it really was like a nine and a half out of ten, if not ten out of ten pain where you had to get into a fetal position to feel like somewhat normal or to feel anything, any kind of comfort. I just remember feeling so trapped in my body.

From that moment on, Ian had to watch everything he ate. He frequently thought back to his days of living with his father and all of the restrictions. But now certain foods had much bigger consequences.

I can no longer have raw fruits and vegetables so now diet is affected. So now going forward, I have to be wary of what I'm eating. I have to be aware of nuts and I have to be aware of this. And so things started to become limiting with Crohn's, and that was a big deal. There's a huge fear of food. There's a huge fear of traveling. I want to know what that's like, again, to not be afraid of broccoli.

One thing he did not fear – that actually made him feel better – was talking about his illness, his poop essentially.

I like to talk about it as much as possible with as long as the person I'm talking to is consenting to want to talk about it, I'm not going to go up to somebody and he's talking about my bowel movements. But if I sense that it's an okay thing to talk about, I like like it sounds weird to say this. I like when people are open about their bowel movements and because it's really it's something that I it's just that along with like sex and all these other things, like as long as they're talked about in appropriate way, they should really be something we all feel comfortable talking about because I think it's so risky not to want to talk about these things because we all deal with the same thing and it's really you. And it's the only way to gain awareness.

The Cheeseburger That Changed Everything

When Ian graduated from college in 2014, he got a job working in a bookstore. That’s where he met Lauren. The attraction was immediate but Ian was reluctant to ask her out because she wasn’t Jewish. At the same time he had this creeping sense that he was missing out on so much that life had to offer.

One night he and his buddy Dan were grabbing dinner at a restaurant when this overwhelming feeling of anxiety came to a head. He recalled looking at the description of a cheeseburger on the menu and it sounded so good but Ian knew if he ate it, there might be consequences. 

I was like, I just I want to eat this cheeseburger. I want to be with this person. So that's when I started being like, I don't think being so orthodox is going to be the right decision in my life because 23 is so young, but I think at the time you have a crisis of like, what am I doing with my life? And again, 30 to 30, you're like 23. You know, I don't know if you do this, but all the celebrities and writers you like are like they wrote got on SNL at 21 or something, and Eddie Murphy was 19.  And I hadn't been with that, like I hadn't been intimate with anybody. And, you know, I was just very, very blocked off. I block myself off from a lot of things. So the cheeseburger was like, oh, this is pleasure. Why not just enjoy this?...  Me and my friend Dan were sitting there, Dan is someone who, any time I'm with him, he's. He's a very laid back person. We went to Amsterdam together and we smoked, and I never smoked. And he he loved it. He was very relaxed. But I was like I was panicking the whole time we were smoking. I was just like, ‘Oh my God, I taste blood. Something's wrong.’ And he's like, ‘you're fine.’ So… I'm just looking at the menu and like, Oh, there's the cheeseburger… like a big monumental thing to me. I was like, ‘should I get it?’ He's like, ‘if you want to, like, do what you want, it's fine. Like everything's fine.’ So I was like, okay, I'm going to do it. So yeah, I think it was a moment of just that because simultaneously I was, you know, and in staring at that menu, I was simultaneously debating if I should be with this person …So it was kind of this moment of like, this is what I want. This is okay. There's nothing wrong with this either. Eat the cheeseburger, Be with Lauren. Yeah, Yeah. LAUREL: So you ate the cheeseburger. IAN: I ate the cheeseburger. And it was a great moment. It was a great feeling. I was like, This tastes amazing…It was mostly just. A moment of it was a moment of clarity, a moment of light. Look, nothing happened. You ate it. Nothing happened. You're fine.

For Ian that cheeseburger became a symbol of something much bigger – an existential crisis.

IAN: In religion, you kind of think everything is a test. And so you're like, Oh, I can't fail the test. If I date this person, I'm failing the test. If I eat this, I'm failing. Okay? I can't fail. So a fear of failure tied into that because the rabbi would tell me that is it's not it's not just about. It's also about you being tested spiritually. It's not just, you know, don't commit murder. It's like also don't, you know, don't betray God and don't don't. Yeah, don't do the wrong thing. LAUREL: And in your mind then did you pass the test? 

IAN: No. In my mind, there's still a part of me that's like, No, you failed the test because you weren't. You're not following the strict laws of the of Judaism. But it's sort of I think what it is, is more of ignoring the test at this point, of ignoring that there is a test in the first place, which I never like. I still have nightmares about missing tests from college and from high school about like, Oh my God, I didn't study for the finals. So I think that's what. That is, but realizing it's potentially not even there at all is what can help me. 

…that the test is only a true test if he gave it value.

First Stand Up

Throughout his 20s Ian enjoyed playing guitar and making up funny songs. He even signed up to do a few open mics.

30 UNDER 30 SONG 

You wait for 4 hours and listen to people do their songs and all the songs sound the same. So I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And there's no benefit you don't like. You don't know if you're even doing well. Nobody's laughing. So I think there was a sense of, I need a barometer to know if I'm doing well. So laughter is at least a good barometer. 

So in 2015 he decided to give stand up a try. He came up with a few jokes and developed a routine. Then he found an open comedy mic at a small bar in Manhattan at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. He thought, low stakes, so he showed up and sure enough, there were only a handful of people in the audience.

I remember sweating. I remember sweating profusely. I spent a lot of heart was absolutely racing and there was a I, I always felt it on my face anytime I performed or was on especially like in, in elementary school when I never presented like a, you know, collage or something. I did whatever on Egypt, you know, you feel I always felt my face being beat red. I just felt the heat on my face.  And I just went up and I think I think they say you first time is always actually not that bad. And it wasn't. I actually did okay. But that's the trick is if you tell people it's your first time doing a mic, they will be on your side. 

So he started going to more and more open mics. 

But they, some of them give off a very middle school vibe. And so that was hard for me to reconcile. … Just a vibe of like, there's competition here. Uh huh. We don't like you. You, you're going to have to, like, prove to us that you're like one of us. I think that feeling they'll very easily, you know, call you a slur, you know, like a slur that I was called a lot in middle school, you know, like the F-word slur. … It’s like I don't know how much I want to go back to these places where you feel like this.

Or the club owner would invite him back but he had to bring 20 friends with him. 

Some people call it paying your dues. But I think that's what I was trying to reconcile with is like, how much is it worth paying your dues under this type of atmosphere?

Around this time he heard about comedians who were sick of clubs and only did apartment shows.

...where you just literally find a person who has an apartment, put on a comedy show, their pay the performers pay, the person whose apartment it is, and that way you don't deal with these venues.

He noticed other comedians got the most laughs with their most personal material. So he decided to bring more of his journey with Crohn’s disease into his act. It meant he had to be ok with feeling totally vulnerable on stage, but he thought back to the cheeseburger, and felt a sense of agency over his life.

I started really talking about it more in the last two or three years when I when I started doing storytelling, I realized how many jokes were there about Crohn's … 

STAND UP

Ian Hosts An Autoimmune Show

Ian would watch other comedians and take notes.

It wasn't till I got to Brooklyn that I saw other comedians here that I was like, they put on very weird shows and very weird ideas…  

He saw one performer do an entire show about building phases.

…where she literally went on stage and hosted a show and talked about the phases of building a building just totally. And those were like this in between segments. And then she would have performers on them, like if you can do like and she was very funny. And for Briga, it's her name. And she was like, Oh, if you can do that like that, like you can just do whatever you want. It doesn't you don't have to go on there and rant about, you know, politics. You don't have to be George Carlin, rant about, you know, religion and and politics.

He had met other comedians with autoimmune disorders like lupus and sarcoidosis. And realized he wasn’t alone, and maybe he could help others feel less alone. That’s when Ian came up with the idea for the “AutoImmune Saloon,” where he and a few fellow comedians and storytellers could share their ridiculous stories about hospital bills and bedside manner. 

Like I could totally do a show about autoimmune diseases and that doesn't matter at all. And so the urge to the urge to be funny, I guess was always like encouraged when I, when I'd see people like that who were just doing it like, oh you can do that. Okay. 

CLIP FROM SHOW

Making sure if it was meant to be funny, if that there were jokes and that it was clear that it was supposed to be funny and that there wasn't, I'd never it was never meant to be pity. It was never meant to be feel bad for me because that's the last thing I ever want to do, is like, Oh, you poor. Like, that's not. There's nothing funny about that. And so. So there were nerves coming from that. [00:58:07]There was not there weren't pity stories. It wasn't sob stories. It was it was it was funny and relatable. And and there was catharsis. I mean, a few people say that after a specific show, and that was really nice to hear that that felt validating.

2 Feet Of Intestine

Two years ago a doctor told Ian he needed to have surgery to remove built up scar tissue that made digestion painful. 

So there's this scarring there called strictures where the bowel is so folded in on itself. It's like a, you know, it's like a tube that's like stepped on. Nothing can pass through that. 

While he was in the hospital, his bowels came to a halt. It’s a condition called ileus. 

Your small bowels are always moving and when they stop moving, all the bile that is helping you digest just stops as well and makes you incredibly nauseous and it all builds up. And so you need to get something called an NG tube… It's like it's very thick to you that goes up your nose, down your throat and dangles in your throat and sticks in your stomach. And it's meant to suck out all the bile. So I say all this it feels it feels like a torture device. 

And you can bet it became part of his act.

AUTO IMMUNE SALOON STORY

The surgeon wound up taking out about two feet of intestine.

…and they said you have about, I think, 300 centimeters left. And I remember hearing that. And again, the ticking clock that came into my head of like you have, it's like a countdown. You have 300 left. You know, I think that's about like ten feet, which is actually a decent amount, but most people have more than that. So, yeah, so they just removed that amount, which was the scarring and and then they connect it back together and. But in my head now is like a race to just maintain no inflammation as much as I can because I don't ever want to go through that again. 

Now everytime Ian puts a new food into his mouth he remembers what the bowel obstruction or the NG tube felt like.

There's a day to day fear of anytime I feel a little bit of pain. Oh, my God. Is this, is this an ER visit? I'm slowly reintroducing things still and seeing what causes pain, what is this? And it's a lot of trial and error.

Fear Of Aging Remains

LAUREL: Do you still have a fear of aging? 

IAN: Yes. Yeah. Big fear. I have a fear of hospitals and I don't want to spend my life in hospitals. And I see the older you get, the more you have to make doctor's appointments. I think in our culture there's such a want for young youth and young people and that that's frightening to me because it's like, okay, so what happens when you turn 80 or 90 or you suddenly you're just you viewed differently. … I mentioned like the the ticking clock and I feel like it ticks faster and faster the older you get… I've always felt like I am on a time limit. Like, I mean, we all are. We all are. You know, it's inevitable for all of us. Death. But, but there's, there's in my head there's some type of ticker and so I feel like I have to do as many things as possible as soon as possible. And so there is a sense of life is short. 

So Ian quiets the ticking clock by avoiding social media, turning his phone to airplane mode and going for a bike ride. And Ian keeps his goals within reach. Today he finds purpose in doing standup or storytelling shows, where he help others feel a sense of catharsis and less alone. 

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.