Once Overmedicated, Jay Shifman Seeks To Educate And Empower

WARNING: We mention suicide in this episode. 

From a young age Jay Shifman struggled with anxiety and focus. He felt like he was moving too fast for the world and sometimes blurted things out without thinking. So in 1997 when he was 11 his parents took him to see a psychologist. 

JAY: This was during the great wave of the ADHD awakening…When I was born in the mid eighties, there were roughly 300,000 young people, uh, treated for ADHD in the, in the United States, which is not that much but by the time I was diagnosed, that number had exploded to just under 2 million. 

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder is defined as a chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. 

This was Jay’s first ever introduction to drugs, a pivotal moment that would frame the course of his life for the following two decades.

Over the next few years his therapist with the help of a psychiatrist prescribed five different medications but finally landed on Concerta. Jay had trouble swallowing the pills. They seemed like horse pills. After trying and failing for a few days his mom took to hiding them in his bananas.  It’s a stimulant that would help Jay sit through class and he says it made him more considerate with his words.

JAY: I had teachers who used to joke that I was one of those kids that just didn't have the connection or, or that the filter between my head and my, my mouth, if I thought it, it was coming outta my mouth and Concerta added that filter. Uh, and I got in less trouble, um, after I got on concerta because I, I used to run my mouth all the time. You know, sometimes most of the time, because I was this tiny little, very Jewish looking kid. Um, it was funny and, and people would just laugh it off. But occasionally I would say things that were hurtful unintentionally or, or very inappropriate unintentionally.

But soon, he was adding more pills to his daily routine. He also struggled with anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive disorder. So he prescribed more drugs. Now it’s important to point out that prescription drugs are life-savers for some people who struggle with mental illness.

JAY: And if you remember back to, uh, when you're going through puberty, how, uh, confusing and sometimes traumatic that, that change in our bodies in our brains can be, and you add on top of that, that I was struggling with these other issues. And then you add on top of that high of mind, altering chemicals, it's going to inflame these issues. These drugs really exasperated some of those issues. And I began showing signs of what my, my therapist decided was a mood disorder… Now to be abundantly clear, I don't have a mood disorder. I was a teenager who was struggling and I was on pills. So unfortunately, instead of seeing that perfect storm, that my therapist had helped create, he created a new one.

…one that would take years to course correct.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales. 

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Jay grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood in Cincinnati playing baseball, which meant he was a big Cincinnati Reds fan. He was especially obsessed with Pete Rose, who was known for many things his dogged persistence and became the hit king of baseball by sheer will. Jay says that’s how he pursued baseball and wound up playing on the high school team all four years. 

But despite all the medications he was on, his anxiety would spike when he went up to bat, and he was terrified to hit the ball.

JAY: My anxiety was just out of control to the point where, you know, I, I would actually avoid hitting if I could, because I would much rather be in the field. Uh, I was a great fielder because the, I, the, the, no one was ever looking at me. Right. You know, if a ball was hit my way, I was, I was already focused. I was running towards it. But when you're in the batter's box, you have all of that time to be anxious. And, and that's where I was.

Jay and the coach didn’t get along but he was determined to keep playing.. 

JAY: I was always the guy who went early to help set up the field who stayed late to work with the young guys. 

All over high school Jay would see the DARE posters and he and his classmates would get lectures about the dangers of drugs. But it was around this time he noticed the only thing that calmed his anxiety was weed.

JAY: I was almost getting two competing, uh, philosophies here that intertwined, that medication was the answer. But then when it came to things like, uh, alcohol and, and cannabis, um, they made me feel better in terms of quieting that anxiety. And, and I am a very social guy, but I can be, uh, you know, too anxious sometimes. And, and that definitely makes me feel better. And so there was those, um, they, they were on the same path at times because they both were, I was being taught by a therapist. Okay. Take pills. Um, but also it was being told by everything from dare to, to, you know, authority figures that drugs are bad.

But Jay didn’t consider the pills drugs. To him they were medicine he needed to take to feel better. 

When he wasn’t playing baseball, Jay would come up with rhymes.  He and a buddy even formed a rap group together. They would sit in the classroom all day writing, then perform at talent shows and pep rallies. 

They’d have freestyle competitions in the cafeteria at lunch. 

JAY: One of my distinct memories of high school is the one day that, like I won this freestyle, uh, competition that we had actually had held because it felt so good to get over that anxiety for once and, and actually show off what I was capable of.

He was so excited he immediately signed up for a poetry slam at his school and won second place.

But by senior year Jay’s dreams of playing baseball in college were over. His coach never played him enough to be picked up by any of the schools where Jay wanted to go. Baseball had been this great outlet for him, and curbed his use of substances. 

JAY: Literally the reason I didn't use substances was gone. And so I remember going with buddies and parting that night. Um, and so, you know, the, the, the use of substances really took off at that point. 

Jay enrolled in classes at the tiny college of Wooster in Ohio. But when he arrived, his moods went haywire: His lows were really low. When someone said they didn’t want to hang out, it was just crushing so he’d spend the night obsessively cleaning his room. So his psychologist prescribed another medication for what he’d eventually diagnose as bipolar. That meant Jay was on six different medications.

JAY: Instead of helping me learn better ways to cope, the answer was more medication. It was again being reinforced to me that the answer is take more drugs when you're unhappy, take more drugs when you feel uncomfortable, take more drugs. Oh. And when you don't feel well, because you're taking so many drugs take more drugs, right. LAUREL: How did he arrive at that?...Did your parents ever get a second opinion? JAY: No…. my aunt is in, uh, remission right now from cancer. And every step of the way she had four or five, six, you know, doctors, oncologists, everybody that she was bouncing ideas off of. And yet, uh, it's so rare that people get a diagnosis and get a second opinion, even something as innocuous, as, as ADHD, which is now getting sort of having a flourish as an adult diagnosis. People get this diagnosis when they're a therapist and just run with it. And I'm not saying that that, that there aren't, uh, there isn't validity to that. I am saying we need to take these diagnosis seriously…It's hard to remember what came first, the chicken or the egg in this sense of did he start overmedicating me, overmedicating me for the, uh, mood disorder. And then it showed signs of bipolar. And so he gave me that diagnosis or did he give me that diagnosis and then start giving me medication, which caused me to show signs. It's very difficult to know.

By this point he’d grown accustomed to gulping down a handful of pills without so much as a sip of water. Jay says the medication he was on intensified his highs and lows so his depression showed up like bipolar disorder. One moment he was fun loving Jay hanging out with friends, the next he’d snap and be so short with people that he couldn’t stand himself.

JAY: So for instance, my depression, uh, as my, my struggles with depression became absolute valleys instead of just, you know, me getting the doldrums and having trouble getting out my depression episodes became serious depression. Uh, and then the bounce back became very manic. Um, I have not been manic the way that I was on those pills since I got off them. These pills really produced these effects. Um, and my, my OCD went from being a annoying thing that I deal with. And, and sometimes can be very uncomfortable and, and, and life altering altering if I don't do the work that I do every single day to seriously jeopardizing my actual existence. And then you have this repeating prophecy where my therapist sees this and goes, yep. All right, I made the right call and we're gonna keep treating you for it. And it just keeps building and building.

After freshman year Jay transferred to the University of Cincinnati. He joined a Jewish fraternity where he wound up spending most of his time. He said Wooster was too small and rural that he was bored. He couldn’t decide on a major. He bounced around from African American history to music production to communications to Judaic studies to history.  

JAY: I shouldn't have been in school and once I was there, I cared 10 times more about everything other than the classroom. And on top of that, uh, I didn't feel good. I, I, I, you know, really only felt okay when I was high and when I was hanging out and sort of not being counted on to do anything. Um, and, and so those things don't go well with fitting into a classroom.

By his junior year unmotivated and directionless he’d failed out of college. He didn’t care about school. But before that he managed to go with his fraternity on a birthright trip to Israel. 

JAY: I was going through JFK, flying to Israel. And I was going through the security at JFK and I got pulled outta line and strip searched, uh, because the backpack that I was carrying, I had two bags, two carry-ons, one of which was, you know, my, my books and my CD player, cuz this was their maybe at an iPad. I don't think so, iPod, uh, you know, this is 2007 or so but the  other bag was like a, basically a purse size backpack that had Bob Marley's face on one side and a pot leaf on the other. And the only thing in it were just at least 10, if not more pill bottles, because I was on so many medications at this time and I was going for two weeks. So I had backups, um, and the, the, the security just was like, you cannot tell us that you're not a drug dealer.

I mean, come on. You know, and, uh, of course I thought it was hilarious because I was like, no, they're all mine, which is not better. That's not a better answer. <laugh> um, but that was my excuse, cuz it was true. They were all prescribed to me. And so they looked 'em all up in the system and you know, in, in the track da tracking system and they were all, you know, clear, um, and we all got a kick about this, oh, Jay got strip search and all that kind of stuff.

Jay didn’t know it yet but he was addicted to his prescription pills. 

JAY: There are a couple others that I'm willing to bet, but one of them in particular, I, I am able to say with, with certainty I was addicted to, And that was a drug called Klonopin and Klonopin for anyone who doesn't know is a drug that was actually legalized a as first as an anti-seizure medication, uh, and is still used for that. However, it was found to be incredibly helpful to reduce anxiety. Um, and that was the one that I was taking by 2008. Uh, I, I like to say that if you've seen the show House, uh, the way that he pops his, his Vicodins, that was me with handfuls of Klonopin multiple times a day. Um, and it got to the point where I was taking by the end.  

… which, according to most psychiatrists, is enough to kill the average person. 

The president of his fraternity was a close friend and allowed Jay to stay at the fraternity house for about a year but in 2008 they kicked him out. Jay’s parents decided to do something that they hoped would shake him up, force his hand into responsible adulthood: they bought him a house, and put his name on the mortgage. 

JAY: ​​I don't really know what they were thinking, but they thought maybe having a little bit more responsibility would help… I think they just hoped that, well, I would realize I had a mortgage to pay and all that kind of stuff. 

But that’s not exactly what transpired…

JAY: I had a ready made party house…And I had tenants for the first couple months, everything was going okay. But as I continued to sink lower and lower in 2008 and going into 2009, uh, the I, those tenants left, they didn't like that this house had become a, nothing but a party house. And I started letting anyone who really wanted to, to stay, stay, um, at various points. There were as many as 10 11 people living in this little three bedroom house, some of them were paying rent, but most people were just partying and trading drugs…So not only did I have my, now let's say six medications that I was on. I was growing shrooms under my, uh, bathroom sink and growing weed in the basement. And so because of that, I could get any drug I wanted by trading the things that I had. 

His family was worried about his erratic behavior.

JAY: I would wake up from a nap and my mother would be standing over me. And her response would be, you didn't answer the phone. And so I rushed over cause I thought you were dead. So I really think the thing they were scared of was my mental state and that I was going to take my own life. 

His parents and therapist were telling him to keep up his prescription drugs but to stop smoking weed, doing shrooms, and cocaine. 

JAY: But what I couldn't understand why they didn't understand was that weed was the only thing keeping me feeling Okay...I wanted to get out of my head and taking a Shroom trip was, was an out for me, right? 

The next few months of 2009 were a blur. Jay was exhausted from five years of battling depression and addiction. For a while, he followed a band called the Ragbirds around the country, but felt lost again when he came back home. He couldn’t find the motivation to go back to school … or keep a steady job. For so long he had trusted his therapist, believing that medication would fix how he felt. But after years of trying, it still wasn’t working. So one night in August of 2009…he couldn’t take it anymore. 

JAY: I was done, I'd given up…And, uh, I, I dumped out on my, my laptop in front of me where I thought was gonna be a lethal dosage of medication and then called a friend as a sort of suicide note. Uh, she kept me talking. She was very smart. Uh, kept me talking while texting two friends of ours, uh, who rushed over and stopped me. And, uh, as I love to say that, that if this was the after school special, that's where this story ends. We all hug it out. And I promised that I'm not gonna do anything like that again, but of course that's not the reality. And the next night, uh, learning from my experience the night before I dumped out again, what I thought was gonna be a lethal dosage of these medications, took them and then called the same friend and told her what I had done. 

This time she called 911.

JAY: Instead of an ambulance showing up, it was a cop car. Uh, now I was going into overdose. I was in the early stages of overdose. Um, so this cop car shows up to, at this point when its become a trap house, a drug house, and of course he knocks in the door and people scatter, I mean, this, this was the, the biggest fear of everybody in the house. The cops were gonna come. So he says, I'm here for, you know, use my legal name, Joshua Schiffman, who wears he, uh, and they yelled up to me and I come downstairs. And because this again is the United States of America, and this cop did not have any training about what to do in this situation. He put me in handcuffs and he led me out of the house and he throw, goes to literally throw me not like push, like throw me into the backseat. And the last thing I remember before I lose consciousness to my overdose was he missed. And he slammed my head off the, off the, the, the upper part of his cop car. Oh my God. Um, and then I crumple into the back seat and I black out.

That night Jay had brief moments of consciousness where he remembers being handcuffed to a bed in a hospital and seeing his aunt.

JAY: And the next day, my first moment of actual consciousness again, was actually something it's kind of crazy, something out of a movie where sobriety or, or not sobriety, but, but consciousness rushed back towards me. And I grabbed onto my chair and I looked around, I was in scrubs, in a lockdown unit, in the intake room with my mother who had flown back in on a red eye. And I said, where the fuck am I? I had no idea. And I was angry. Um, uh, because I was confused. Uh, last thing I remember was I had tried to kill myself and then got arrested. 

He was discharged and his mom immediately drove him across town to a lockdown unit, where you’re literally locked in your room and kept on constant watch. While he was there, they put him on even more medications. This time lithium. He was so angry, and blamed a lot of it on his family.

JAY: They were working in concert with my therapist. So he came almost every day. Um, you know, the family was coming to visit me. It was, it was, um, I was very angry, uh, because, you know, I had the reason I attempted suicide was I didn't want this. You know, I, I, I figured that there was really nowhere lower. I could go than the life I was already leading. And then here, I ended up being in the lower version of the life that I was already leading… I have the journal that I kept at this period, and it is just, it's hard to read, uh, because it's a lot of anger. 

For three weeks he was never left alone. It’s the kind of place where the showers slope down into the drain so there’s no way to drown yourself. Then his grandmother drove him to a psychiatric hospital in Stockbridge, Massachusetts where Judy Garland and James Taylor spent some time. 

JAY: At the time they practiced the, the sort of therapy that you saw in one flu over the Cuckoo's nest, where you would sit around and just destroy people. Um, so that was rough. Uh, they also lost a couple of patients while I was there to suicide. Uh, and I personally stopped my closest friend there from committing suicide. Uh, like physically, I physically stopped her from committing suicide. 

But it’s during this time, in this harrowing environment, that Jay entered the beginning of a sort of epiphany. Because he’d been diagnosed as bipolar for so many years, he was placed in group sessions with other people with bipolar disorder. But as he heard them speak about their experiences, he started to realize… wait a minute, this doesn’t feel like me. 

JAY: And I just was, felt such an outsider in those groups. You know, people talking about this experience, or I feel this way and me going, God, I just, I don't feel that. Or, or, or I've never experienced that. 

The psychiatrist there agreed with his assessment that he didn’t have bipolar but he wasn't willing to go against his previous therapist’s position. 

It was also at this mental institution where Jay met people struggling with addiction and that he could relate to. He realized the rest of his medications were doing more harm than good. After three months, Jay had had enough. But before they would let him leave he had to go to a group session.

JAY: So that people could tell you why they thought you should stay. And this included, not just the patients, but therapist, and in this case, the head of the entire division of therapy, uh, this woman with 50 years experience, uh, who was downright, ruthless that day about how I was throwing away my opportunity for success and healing and all that. And I, I credit one person in particular, there was a woman named Robin who was sadly no longer with us. Um, she was one of my best friends there. She came with me and she held my hand through the entire thing, uh, just for, for emotional strength.

So on December 31, 2009, Jay checked himself out of the psychiatric hospital. His grandmother was the only one who would willingly take Jay in so he set off for Arizona, where she lived. Jay knew he needed to get off his medications but it would take a step down approach. He’d need to wean himself off the medications a bit at a time. If he didn’t, he could die. He counted his meds and knew he had just enough to get him on the road trip from the east coast to Arizona and through a step down detox. 

JAY: Not five minutes over the bridge into New York. Uh, I got T-boned by a cab and my rear driver's side wheel was bent completely inwards. And the right thing to do is you put the car in the shop, get it fixed and then keep going, but I didn't have that luxury. So I set out the next day …trying to drive to Sedona from New York City in a car on three wheels.

He decided he had to keep going. He felt he was running out of time. If he fully ran out of meds the withdrawal could kill him and he didn’t want to have to ask for more pills. But on three wheels he only got as far as Johnstown, Pennsylvania. 

JAY: I was racing against the clock here and I, I get sidetracked by this horrible accident. And so I'm sitting in a dirty truck stop motel in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, because my car had finally given out and, uh, it was January 2nd, middle of a blizzard, middle of nowhere. And nothing's open. I mean, it, this truck stop in the gas station across the street. And I remember distinctly eating, pop tarts for dinner. Here I was three days after this sort of momentous victory, right. … And then here I was three days later, completely alone in the middle, nowhere, Johnstown, Pennsylvania without a car. Uh, and that was when I had the moment that most people who struggle with addiction do of my higher power moment where I reached out and said, you know, God, I'm so alone, I need your help. And nothing came, nothing, not a phone call, nothing. 1:29:00 I curled up into a ball on the floor and just crying for about an hour. And then when I had cried all I could, I decided, you know what, no, but no higher power is coming. Clearly. The only way I'm gonna do this thing is if I do it myself, I gotta put my recovery on my own back and dedicate myself to this because no one else was gonna do this for me. 

So that is what he did. He got up the next day, put his car in the shop, rented another, drove to Cincinnati and flew the rest of the way to Arizona, where his grandmother met him and made him work under the guidance of a doctor. 

JAY: The Klonopin alone would've killed me, not withstanding the other five I was on. Right. Uh, there's an old joke in rehab that if you come into rehab on Klonopin and heroin, they get you off the heroin first because it's easier. Wow. Um, Klonopin is so hard to get off of… so of course the therapist doing what the therapist does when I first went to see them, she tried to convince me to stay on drugs. And I, I said, Nope. And she went, okay, you're very committed to this. Let's, let's get you off it safely then. So, uh, she was guiding me in, in the step down.

Jay went through the long painful process of getting off his meds. He spent a lot of time on the bathroom floor getting sick. He was irritable, confused, and could barely function. His grandfather tried tough love, but his grandmother was patient and cooked his favorite meals. They’d watch Ellen and walk the half mile to the mailbox everyday. 

Both of his grandparents just wanted him to get better. And eventually he did. For six months he couldn’t think beyond getting through the next day. Then he found other tools like mindfulness to stay focused and deal with his depression and OCD. And two years later he got his college degree in psychology.

JAY: I wanted to understand what had gone on, you know, inside my brain and, and, and sort of in my life. And I wanted to try to get some answers, number two, for what my, why my therapist might have done what he did. 

In 2015 he was living in Cincinnati and working for the democratic party. On election night a friend convinced Jay to share part of his journey with addiction in a live storytelling event. 

SFX: INTRODUCTION APPLAUSE

Jay’s heart was pounding as he took to the stage but he knew his story could make a difference with someone else who may be struggling.

EXCERPT FROM STORY EVENT

JAY: Growing up, I always wanted to know what it was like to win the world series. And that night I knew because the crush of people who came outta nowhere, just all over to mob me, you know, friends telling me they had, they couldn't believe I'd kept this secret for so many years. Um, you know, family members who were there, it was, it was a really beautiful moment. And that night really set the course of the rest of my life. It was the acceptance afterwards. … just, you know, a feeling that I've never, I haven't felt other than my wedding night. Right. I mean, just this, this such love and acceptance from everybody around you. So, so that was part of it. The other part was the, the almost physical feeling of a weight off my shoulders. You know, when you're walking around with this major secret, uh, that you are so scared in the back of your mind that if anyone ever hears or figures out, um, that you'll be shunned. That's how I felt about my struggle with addiction and my mental health, uh, was that I had made this giant mistake. And, you know, the most empowering thing that I said that night, and I still say to this day was, it took me realizing as a guy in recovery, that when someone said the word addict to me, I pictured a stereotype. I didn't even picture me and I lived it. And that's when I knew I had to do something, because if I couldn't see past the, the straight up propaganda and the hatred that, that, that we have about this topic, nobody else could be expected to. And, and it, it, after that, it really felt like a mission. 

Today Jay empowers other people to share their stories on his own podcast “Choose Your Struggle.” His mission is to end stigma by promoting honest and fact based education around addiction and over medication. 

JAY: No other community allows their struggle to become who they are quite the same way as the, uh, addiction community. You know, there's a reason we don't call people with cancer. Uh, cancer is, is just not who they are. And yet in the addiction community, we allow ourselves to be painted with this. I am an addict because I struggled with addiction and that it just hurts me… forget I'm an addict, I'm a warrior who, who, who was able to overcome childhood trauma, or I'm a person who struggled with my addiction and with my mental health, a and now I am a college graduate who leads, you know, whatever. So owning ourselves in a way that is not the person that they've decided that we are to me is so important.

Looking back he says programs like DARE and “just say no” are harmful. 

JAY: Not only did they not work, but in a lot of cases, they actually led to more unsafe use of substances. Uh, records releases have shown that, and yet we didn't stop it, cuz it was easy. It was easy to just say, oh, don't do drugs, which is just harmful. And so when I can tell my story to break down that wall of stigma, and then I've got the captive audience to say, now let me spend a little bit of time educating you on safe, uh, and honest facts around these substance or about under these topics and substances. Uh, I know that I've done something good.

LAUREL: Are you unmedicated today day?

JAY: Uh, no, actually, um, I, I have my medical marijuana card. Mm-hmm <affirmative> um, so I, I have that, uh, I am also, uh, I, my wife and I, uh, microdose, uh, which has been a really positive to my life. And, uh, I, like I said before, I have a safe relationship with alcohol… while I do use these substances, I have learned how to enjoy life and to regulate, uh, my mind and to be comfortable with myself without substances. And so while they are all pieces of my life, um, and, and I truly do believe that, that I get a benefit from, you know, medical marijuana and microdosing. I don't, when I'm, let's say having a fight with my wife, my answer isn't to turn to a substance the way it was 12 years ago. Um, when I want to enjoy a night better, uh, I will actually mindfully choose. Do I do I think that I need some cannabis to help me be less anxious or can I get through this event without it. Um, and so, you know, I, I, I have the mindful ability that I did not have. And the only part that's kind of sad to me is that I've had to learn this alone because the, you know, uh, uh, that that's what my therapist should have been teaching me all those years ago. And he didn't.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.

This episode was written and hosted by me. Camila Kerwin of the Rough Cut Collective is the story editor. Halle Hewitt is our assistant producer. Music from Blue Dot Sessions. Annie Gerway designed our podart and website 2 lives dot org 

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