Self Defense Empowers Kelly Vaughn To Take Back Her Life

When Kelly Vaughn was growing up she learned – as so many girls do – to always be nice.  

KELLY: My mother is an incredibly strong woman. She's also one of the nicest people you will ever meet, you know, she bends over backward to help anyone... I think on some level, you know, I was hardwired to be empathetic and agreeable and kind.

Kelly says she was encouraged to be soft spoken, polite and agreeable. Her parents emphasized having manners and treating people with respect. 

KELLY: I just kind of had my mom as a model and um, I mimicked her behavior out in the world and toward people. And so I don't remember explicitly being taught to be agreeable, but I think that, you know, depending on our upbringing and who we're surrounded by, we probably just naturally absorb that and make it our own behavior.

Kelly was petite with curious blue eyes, a sly smile, and wispy brown hair. She was goofy, full of confidence, and felt things deeply.

KELLY: I think a lot of my confidence actually came from the academic world when I was younger. Just being a good student and being really inspired by teachers, I think made me feel mentally strong. And like I had a place in the world.

But all that changed when she got to high school.

KELLY: It was an all girls Catholic high school and you're kind of clawing to be the best, you know, the superlative in everything, the prettiest, the most talented, the smartest going to the best college, driving the nicest car. 

Kelly started to fold in on herself to pack away her personality and become small. 

This is a story about learning to assert yourself when you’re conditioned to be small and nice. This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.

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When Kelly arrived as a freshman on Arizona State University's huge Tempe campus with its 75,000 students, she felt like she just got swallowed up in the crowd.

KELLY: I was pretty shy, I think, as a college student. I think some of that confidence that I had when I was a lot younger kind of dissipated as I got older, because, you know, there were just so many people on that campus…So I think I became a little bit, um, intimidated in college. 

She stopped raising her hand and speaking up in class. She also stopped listening to her intuition. 

During her first semester of sophomore year, something happened that would make her question everything she’d learned about how to be nice, how to be polite…essentially, how to be. It all started one afternoon when a guy from class asked her on a date.

There was something about him she didn’t completely trust. Her gut told her to stay home that night.

KELLY: I should have listened, I shouldn't have gone on the date because I found myself in a situation where I was being pressured to do things that I didn't wanna do…

At the end of the night he tried to pressure her into having sex. And when Kelly told him no, he flipped a switch, started calling her names, and tried to corner her. She finally got out of the situation by threatening to call the police.

KELLY: I talked myself out of the situation, but I remember being so, um, scared and pressured and unconfident. And I had put myself into that situation by wanting to be a nice person. Um, and not saying no and not setting boundaries… It was just a really scary experience with someone that I thought might be scary. And I, and I went along with it anyway, just to be the nice girl and I regretted it.

That night affected Kelly’s sense of self worth. She felt like an object, not a living, breathing human being with boundaries and feelings. For years after that night Kelly felt more insecure in relationships. She didn’t go out much for a few months until she met Nick in a journalism class. 

KELLY: I think that he copied my homework one day and I think that's how we started talking.

Nick was a decent guy, confident and smart. He was a few years older. He’d been in the military and Kelly felt safe around him.

At this point Kelly had moved into a small condo off campus and Nick frequently slept over. 

Then one night the summer before her senior year an event took place that changed Kelly forever. Kelly and Nick were asleep in her bedroom.

KELLY: …and I woke up thinking that someone was trying to get in through the window.  But it was one of those things where you can't quite tell if you're asleep or awake. I remember so distinctly those first few moments of laying there, thinking, am I dreaming this or is this actually happening? PAUSE And so I laid there for a few heartbeats and definitely did hear something. And so I woke Nick up and he was closest to the window. I was on the other side of the bed and he heard it too. And so I ended up rolling out of the bed and onto the floor because I didn't want whoever was outside to know that I was awake and moving. Um, and I ended up crawling into a back bedroom and calling 911 as the sounds intensified at the window. I hate the word surreal. Um, but that's yeah, but that's exactly what it was. It was absolutely surreal initially. And then, you know, that feeling, that heart racing and the, you know, the feeling in your gut and the hands shaking, you know, I know now that that's all just your adrenaline, um, dumping and that fight or flight response, you know, I know that now, but at the time you're just so consumed by, um, both the mental and the physical response to fear …  PAUSE 16 Nick got out of bed and …his softball bat was nearby and he grabbed it and he opened the front door and sure enough, there was a man, uh, on the porch area and he dropped something…he bent over to pick it up. And Nick struck him with the softball bat.... and the man didn't flinch really, he didn't drop. It was as though he hadn't been hit at all. And he took off, um, into the complex PAUSE and I was in the back bedroom, just shaking and crying on the floor, waiting for the police to come. PAUSE You're absolutely frightened and confused and it's the middle of the night. Just that feeling is still so vivid to me. And I think that's something I'll carry with me forever on some level…

After all those years of deferring, being agreeable, she’d never really practiced anything resembling assertiveness or self defense. 

The police did come. They dusted for fingerprints and asked a lot of questions. Neither Nick nor Kelly got a good look at his face… And they never found the guy. 

KELLY: I think on some level that makes that experience scarier for me. Um, because he's just this faceless shapeless mystery to me rather than being someone that I can picture, you know, and I there's some element of not knowing who he was or what he really did intend that bothers me still…

Kelly never fell back asleep that night. One thing kept weighing heavily on her mind…

KELLY: What if I had been here alone and what if this person got into my house and that kind of consumed me over the next several hours after that.  25 I did have that realization that I didn't know how to defend myself. And if someone tried to attack me, I wasn't sure what I would do.

MARK SHIFT WITH SCORING

The next morning, Kelly decided to do something she never in her life thought she would do. 

That very day – not sometime down the road – she signed up for self defense classes.

KELLY: I had read some article about Krav Maga and I couldn't tell you where I think it was in a women's magazine because Jennifer Lopez had trained it for a movie that she had done. 

Krav Maga is a military system of self defense developed for the Israel Defense Forces. It combines various martial arts to help survive the worst case scenarios. Kelly did a search for Krav Maga gyms in the Phoenix area and found a class nearby and called up her sister to go with her. 

SFX: KRAV MAGA GYM 

They walked into the gym. From the onset it looked like a regular gym with everyone in T shirts and shorts, the music was pumping and driving. But then Kelly saw they bowed to the founder, then everyone wrapped their hands like you see boxers do and learned to hit pads. There was a lot of grunting, growling, even yelling… the idea being if you were attacked on the street you’d want to draw attention and help. 

Her sister wasn’t so sure about the intensity of the class but Kelly was hooked.

KELLY: Man I felt powerful. Um, no one had ever told me that, you know, as a lady, I could wail on a pad with my fist, um, or knee somebody, um, to get out of <laugh> a situation. And it was just, it was fun. LAUREL: Was it an, an adrenaline rush?

KELLY Oh, absolutely…I was really drawn to it because it was physically very challenging, but also kind of mentally exciting. Um, you know, finally getting it and feeling that empowerment where you, you know, hit a pad with such force that your partner, you know, took a few steps back, you know, as a, as a smallish young woman, that was really awesome. And it was cool to learn how to Understand adrenaline, um, it's physical and emotional properties and then use it, you know, to, to my advantage.

In other words, it was an education on how to be assertive and strong. It had nothing to do with being “nice.”

By the time they left Kelly had signed up for a membership. Her sister didn’t come back.

KELLY: After training Krav Maga for an hour, just that first hour, I had absolutely some idea of what to do. If someone came up to me from behind or from the side, or just attacked me, I would have some sort of skill to, to fight back. I just had this awareness that, this did almost happen to me and this kind of insulated little bubble I've been living in my whole life, you know, doesn't really exist anymore…I was actually living on my own. I think that's when I realized that I did need to shed some of my naivete about the world.

On top of the physical training she also learned about situational awareness and how to de-escalate a potentially threatening situation using words and body language. 

KELLY: So it's based on understanding on some level your adrenaline, um, and the way that you respond to adrenaline that fight or flight response. Um, and then just being able to get out of a situation, if someone is striking you, or if someone chokes you from behind or bear hugs you, or attacks you from the side, just having kind of 360 degree awareness of how to defend yourself.

She was told again and again, be assertive, not aggressive, unless she had to defend herself physically. Kelly started going multiple times a week. 

KELLY: Looking back, I was probably a little bit obsessive to be honest <laugh> um, but yeah, I would say within the first month I noticed a physical difference. A physical change started to feel stronger, you know, putting on some muscle, getting a little bit bigger, honestly. 

Even Nick noticed her body changing.

KELLY: He was in the air force reserve when I started training and he would go down once a month to Tucson and I, I went down with him one day and we were, I think we were by the pool and he's like, I don't - this krav maga stuff - like, your legs are changing, you're getting stronger. 

She put some muscle on her petite frame. But more than calves, biceps and a six pack, Kelly noticed her sense of self had shifted… or returned.

KELLY: I became a lot more assertive. …, I had an internship and I remember, um, you know, speaking more in meetings and being more engaged. Um, so I think I became more assertive verbally. …I started to get some of the confidence back that I had lost, um, in my later high school years. And in the first few years of college, I think that, you know, it wasn't that same confidence. I felt as a, as a child, but I was just a little more confident in myself, um, and what I was capable of. PAUSE

Kelly began to even stand taller. She no longer felt lost in the crowd. Friends called her a badass. She was becoming her own person. 

KELLY: This will sound arrogant, but it, it became this thing that I could do that a lot of other people weren't doing. And so I think on some level mentally, it, it made me stand out a little bit. Um, and I think subconsciously that's probably something that I had been after for a few years, you know, I just kind of felt like I blended into the crowd at ASU and that was something that was a little different and it was mine. And I think that that was empowering on some level. Um, and then, you know, the physical benefits were there also, I felt strong. I had abs, you know, I could, I had shoulders and I could punch and do all this cool stuff…I just felt physically strong and a little more confident and assertive.

The training was intense. She’d tell everyone she knew to join the gym. She loved it, even though she would come home exhausted, sore, and bruised.

KELLY: I think that a lot of people thought I was crazy <laugh> um, because you know, in some of the training, you're doing knife defense and you're going bone to bone with someone else. And so, you know, you get bruises and it looks as though you've been attacked … I have a scar actually on my shoulder from one of my friends who was a gang Sergeant in the Phoenix police department. We were sparring and, well, we must not have been sparring cuz he didn't have gloves on, but we were doing some sort of training and his fingernail went into my shoulder. 

After eight years Kelly had advanced so far in her Krav Maga training that she’d become an instructor. She helped train police how to defend themselves from a knife attack or disarm someone coming at them with a gun or knife.

By this point she had graduated from ASU and was working full time at a magazine in Phoenix. She was having issues with another woman in her office. It was the kind of criticism that just a few years prior Kelly would have just stood there and taken it and probably gone home crying. 

She let it go until one day the conversation escalated. Kelly suddenly found herself drawing upon this new assertive side of herself. 

KELLY: I remember one day she came into my office, very hot around the collar and I was pregnant. And um, she got in my space in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable. And I remember just immediately putting my hands up, open handed and saying, I need you to back off, back off. And I didn't yell, I didn't step toward her, but that assertive non-aggressive stance got her to back down. And I don't think that she even realized how aggressively she had come at me. …49:50  There's something about that stance where, you know, when you put your hands up like that, I think it just makes people pause and think about how they’re approaching you…I think it's just a little switch or something that happens a, a pause, a heartbeat and it makes people realize how they're posturing.

By this point she and Nick had gotten married and had two kids at home under three. Even though she always felt she was sparring in a controlled environment, she knew she had more than herself to think about. 

KELLY: 54 If you're hitting a guy with a clean upper cut and he's, you know, six, two or six, three, and he weighs 200 pounds, you know, his adrenaline is gonna say, oh, I'm gonna smack this person. You know? And there's some awareness that breaks down there, you know? So there were a few times where I'd get a clean shot on somebody and their instinct was just to hit me back as hard as they could. And so it's understandable. Um, but that got a little scary for me after a while. 51 My body took a beating to be honest …The instructors, there are absolute professionals and they know how to maintain control, but you know, when you're sparring, you're hit in the head and sometimes I'd see stars. And that started to scare me. 

Kelly knew it was time to hang it up. She was sad but she had two babies to think about. She took up strength training and rowing instead.

It was also around this time, Kelly realized Nick was not the man for her. She says it was her self defense training – this refound belief in herself – that gave her the courage to leave.

KELLY: Nick and I have a, a loving co-parenting relationship but our marriage wasn't great and right. And I think that having some of that training … gave me some of the confidence to remove myself from that marriage and gave me some of the confidence to realize that I had a lot more life ahead of me than I did behind me. 

Kelly says as a parent she finds herself using a lot of the verbal skills she learned in Krav Maga with her children.

KELLY: … when they're screaming and yelling at each other bickering or that sort of thing, you know, I find myself using a lot of the tools…49 my daughter's 11 and she's kind of on the cusp of young womanhood…she's a little moody sometimes…one day she was just giving me a load of attitude and I just kind of looked at her and again, put my hands up in front of my face and said, I need you to back off with this language that you're using with me right now, just back off here Pearl and she, sorry, mom, you know, I don't think she even realized it. 

There have also been moments when she forgot her assertiveness training. A few years ago Kelly got involved with a man who was manipulative and made her second guess herself.

KELLY: There was a lot of gas lighting and, um, me feeling crazy and all sorts of these things that when I look back retrospectively, I know are absolutely not true. But when I was in that relationship, I absolutely thought I was crazy and kind of worthless.

The relationship didn’t last long. Kelly broke up with him but getting rid of him was not so easy. For years he would text her, call her, even show up at her house.

KELLY: And, um, they would show up at my house unexpectedly and follow me. I would be walking my dog and he would pull up behind me in his truck. And, you know, I would tell him to stop it and leave me alone that we weren't together anymore. This person came up from behind in his work truck and started talking to me...And I think I told him to leave. I just said, leave me alone, leave me alone. And I believe I started to cry. And in another life in that early Krav Maga life, I absolutely would've just put my hands up. And so I think that that bothers me a lot, that I let him get to me that way and that I let him see me cry. I was I think 34 years old and calling my dad saying, can you talk to this person and tell them to leave me alone? And I was like, when, when did I become this scared little girl again? I'm mad that I allowed that to happen to myself. And I think that that's probably the first time in all of these years and the almost 20 years since I started Krav Maga that I didn't use those skills. And I think that's really disappointing to me.

Kelly has since realized that it wasn’t her fault. 

KELLY: We're taught that vulnerability is important and it's beautiful. Right. But like up to a point you know, and so I think that vulnerability should shine when things are good. And when you can express that in a really safe environment, that's when vulnerability's great. Right. But then when you express it, when you're legitimately scared or terrorized or whatever, then it's like, oh, why am I showing that vulnerability? That's so gross, you know? And I know it's a, it's a different type of vulnerability. Right. But it's so embarrassing on some level. Then at the same time, I question, well, why am I beating myself up for that? That's a totally normal human experience. LAUREL: And if given another chance to redo that moment, what would you have said?

KELLY: I would've told him that if he came to my door again or drove down my street behind me again, that he'd have a restraining order and go to jail if he violated it. And you know, I would've told him, just get out of my life forever. And I wouldn't have said, please.

Kelly says she doesn’t know if before this training she’d be willing to share her story with 2 Lives.

KELLY: I'll be honest with you. There was a point a few years ago where if you had asked me to do this, I'd say no way, I wouldn't have had the confidence to do that. 

Looking back Kelly realizes that Krav Maga has instilled confidence and helped her set boundaries.

KELLY: Krav Maga has helped me get out of some not great environments, um, and some not great relationships and it's not, you know, just, oh, I'm gonna beat down the door and I'm gonna beat you up if you bother me. Not that at all. It's more just the confidence in knowing that I can be assertive without being hurtful. Um, and that I can look out for myself without damaging another person. 

LAUREL: I would venture to say that this confidence that you maybe had to find again was what got you out of it and into a healthier relationship.

KELLY: I think that's exactly what it is because I think that, you know, being able finally to like quit that relationship cold turkey was incredibly beneficial to me, um, for my mental health. Now I'm in an absolutely healthy relationship. I feel no insecurity, I feel supported and genuinely loved. And it's really interesting when that happens, I think for the first time. Right. … but there was like a very distinct moment where I was like, this is what this is supposed to feel like and look like, and be like, not what I thought I had with those other guys. And so that to me has been really huge. And I think that when you lose that insecurity and you can really just be yourself, wow, what a revelation that is where you don't feel like you have to put on all these different masks. 

While she hasn’t returned to Krav Maga, she has taken up boxing instead and has rediscovered that assertive side of herself again.

KELLY: There was a woman that I, I trained with for many years and now she takes a lot of my writing workshops and she's wonderful. And uh, she said at one of the workshops, you know, Kelly's also a deadly weapon. A lot of you don't know this, but she, you know, she can kill you with her bare hands.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.

This episode was written and hosted by me. Camila Kerwin of the Rough Cut Collective is the story editor. Halle Hewitt is our assistant producer. Music from Blue Dot Sessions. Annie Gerway designed our podart and website 2 lives dot org 

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