Understanding Intergenerational Trauma Helps One Woman Heal

Trigger Warning: We mention domestic abuse and suicide in this episode.

Find out more about Manpreet Johal Bernie and her podcast “Heart’s Happiness” at her website.

When Manpreet Johal Bernie’s dad came home from work in a bad mood and began shouting at her mom, Manpreet would retreat to her bedroom.

MANPREET: I would basically look out of the window and very influenced by Disney kind of wanting some handsome princes to come and rescue me. I think that was, that the fantasy from a very young age, like six, seven, I started to have those kind of feelings of wanting to be rescued.

Manpreet eventually realized Prince Charming wasn’t coming. She blamed this and all her life’s disappointments on destiny.

MANPREET: A big thing that we talk about in Indian cultures, they say something called kismet, which is like fate. So, the fact that I couldn't get married or get a partner or anything like that was because I had really bad fate. But actually that's so not true. Or my mom, you know, she had really bad fate because she married someone like my dad. You know, it's like, I felt like that really was disempowering. It made me us feel like we were faulty, that there was something wrong with us to the core of our being.

But one of Manpreet’s natural gifts – something that is part of the core of her being – is her analytical mind. It was from this place that she could step back and see the big picture of her family tree. 

MANPREET: It was almost like I could see, oh, you know, this process of my grandparents started like this, this is the trauma that went into them, then this is how they then pass it on to mom and dad. This is how it came into me and I am so lucky that I had such awful taste in men. I didn't procreate or anything because without a doubt it would have continued cuz I was going for people that were similar … I could see that before I even put, could put a word to what it was. Honestly, I don't know where I even found the term, I just know that when I did find the term I was like, Oh my God, this is what I've been saying.

When she heard about generational trauma a lightbulb went on. Generational trauma (also known as inter/multi generational trauma) is the idea that if you have ancestors who went through very oppressive or distressing events, their emotional or behavioral reactions can ripple through the generations of your family.

MANPREET: Then I realized that actually the way that like this was all coming out in me, my brother, my dad, you know, my family was actually just a reaction to what had happened prior to that and that we've been having this generational trauma. 

This is a story about how Manpreet used her analytical skills to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.

Manpreet believes the trauma began with her grandfathers – one grandfather lost his dad in battle when the British left Burma, the other granddad was a farmer who lost his parents young to plague. He had been over taxed by the British government and wasn’t able to provide for his family.

So in 1947 the two grandfathers left India after the country gained independence from British rule. 

MANPREET: So they both came with these reasons to come to the UK to be able to have a better life for their family. And then their families came later. So my, my parents are probably some of the very, the youngest Indian people to arrive into the UK. My mum was three and my dad was seven. My grandparents, they were the first, the very first brown faces to arrive to the UK…Well, they were met with a lot of racism when they came here. 

Manpreet’s grandfather – her dad’s dad – coped by drinking and abused his wife. Manpreet’s mom lived with a lot of control and expectations. She essentially wasn’t allowed a life outside the home.

MANPREET: My mom was, you know, pretty much forced from a very young age to get married and not have any kind of life of her own. And then they kind of got thrown together, but with so much trauma of their own. 

After their marriage was arranged it was custom to live with the husband’s parents. So Manpreet and her little brother grew up very close to their grandparents but afraid of their granddad when he drank. From a young age Manpreet noticed both her grandfather and her dad were very affectionate and sweet men one moment but their moods could flip on a dime. 

When Manpreet’s grandfather yelled at his wife, Manpreet spoke up. 

MANPREET: And I remember as a little girl even saying stuff, cause I think it's just who I am.... but they would, both of them would tell me to, to, they would silence that voice, you know, this is women's place. Like I felt like that was a very strong message I was getting from them. That you know, we have to accept these men for how they are and their behavior and not to get upset to suppress anger.

Again and again Manpreet would try to voice the injustice she saw around her and every time the men and the women in her family told her she should remain quiet. Manpreet believes that’s why she frequently had a sore throat because she was silencing her voice.

So Manpreet sought comfort in food. When her grandfather was still alive Manpreet slept downstairs near the kitchen.

MANPREET: So when anybody had gone to sleep, I would go and have ice cream …So when I'd had the ice cream, it would actually physically soothe me. … putting on weight, that protection, um, was something like as an empathic child that I, I, I felt like I needed that protection. But then, but then when I did put weight on, everybody began to comment and then I would have more criticism and my dad wouldn't be very nice about it. Other people wouldn’t be very nice about it. And um, yeah, that was a real struggle to my self-esteem. So it became this love hate thing with food.

When her dad was 30 his mother died and he started drinking to cope… his mood swings intensified… and the generational cycle of trauma continued.

MANPREET: He could be quite scary. He had temper, he wasn't physically violent, but very, very emotionally abusive. …So in those days I didn't realize what we were experiencing was abuse. So it just was very normal. …he was very much like a Jekyll and Hyde. So he could be just like very evil, but very loving and like, there was just, I could never quite work that out out. And my grandad was very much like that. He had a very soft, kind heart, but then he could flash into this other person.

As a teacher her father was especially strict about the kids' schoolwork. Manpreet says she’d be years ahead of her peers at school because he’d be forcing them to do extra studying. 

He would get jealous if Manpreet’s mom showed the kids more attention than him and wouldn’t let her out of his sight for long.

He was very particular about how their home should be when he arrived. So from an early age Manpreet became what she calls “a massive people pleaser” trying to keep everything neat and tidy.

MANPREET: Like shutting doors and putting things in certain places. But he would come in and something would just set him off. Like it could be anything like a shoe being in a position or, you know, that we weren't studying or working or um, that we were laughing too loudly or we were being too loud. It could be absolutely anything that would trigger his temper. 

Every Friday after school their dad would go to the pub and the rest of the family would get a night off from him. They’d eat food from the nicer, more expensive grocery store and watch TV.

MANPREET: That would be like a day where my mom would get us like really nice food here in the UK we had Marks and Spencers, which is very nice food, …But it was, you know, an environment where there was no shouting, no having to walk on eggshells. Mom could show us love and it wouldn't be, he wouldn't be getting annoyed with us or jealous or anything like that. So it was very safe.

Manpreet recalls coming home from more than one family wedding, where there was a lot of alcohol. 

MANPREET: He would be really, really drunk and if he was in the front seat, he would, like, in those days we didn't have like navigation systems. So my mom wasn't very good at like knowing routes and he wouldn't tell her the right way. He'd be steering the steering wheel, he'd be trying to get out the car, in the home and he might be trying to like a, become abusive to her. So he was sexually abusive to her. So, you know, in those instances we would have to lock ourselves in a room because like it had become so un you know, unsafe with how drunk he was. 

PAUSE

Manpreet’s mom felt stuck like she couldn’t leave him. To get away from her husband she would tell him she had to work late or was taking a class.

MANPREET: It was very clear to me he loved her very much. She tolerated him. It was very clear that kind of, um, divide between them. Well when I say love, it was like an obsession cuz I don't know if he was capable of doing it properly.

When Manpreet showed her dad she was working hard he could be very sweet and loving. He’d drive her to university and teach her the route and they’d have deep conversations about spirituality.

MANPREET:  I did feel very loved by him. You know, he, um, he got me into some so many different types of music. He used to play like Stevie Wonder, Isn't she Lovely Like on my birthday. 

After high school her parents wanted her to stay home so Manpreet enrolled in courses at a college in London and commuted from home. But during her third year she got an internship outside of the city. That’s when she realized she was capable of cooking for herself, going to the gym, and taking care of herself.

MANPREET: I was like, Oh, he told me I couldn't do any of these things and actually I can, he told me I couldn't take care of myself when I can. I sort of lost weight…I didn't need to like kind of emotionally eat as much anymore. Um, I felt peace cuz I was on my own. I felt very peaceful in my own energy. Um, I was sleeping better. And I think living away I really saw that actually I can take care of myself and I can live. So all this stuff he's been saying to me is actually not true. So I think it helped, um, my confidence in some way.

But after the year was up she went back to living with her parents for most of her 20s because that was what was expected of her in her culture. Not to mention she felt like she had to protect her mom and younger brother from their dad. 

It was around this time she was being introduced to young men her family wanted her to marry. But Manpreet always found something she didn’t like about them. 

Instead she pursued men who were unavailable. Either they were in other relationships or unavailable emotionally because they were alcoholics. She found her own ways of escaping through TV or her imagination. 

MANPREET: I used to imagine that when I die everyone will be saying how great I am because I didn't, I wasn't getting that validation in the present moment for, you know, my parents weren't the only people that I ran after. It was other family members, it was friends, it was, you know, anybody that I could try and get some validation of, you are enough or you are worthy, living through everybody else and feeling a bit like the side act in a, like a story or a film that was there for everybody watching their happiness happen, but not my own. I struggled with relationships, I was still fantasizing about men rather than having real relationships…I wasn't able to actually have a proper relationship cuz I was going after men that needed fixing. 

At the same time her parents' relationship disintegrated. Her dad who never liked teaching had quit his job so Manpreet’s mom became the sole earner.

MANPREET: She was getting really annoyed with him for not working basically. And they were just not getting on for like, they would, there would be fights all the time. She has, she would be drinking now with him. So they would be arguing constantly. So when I was at home with them, I remember I used to ring the house phone and tell them to shut up.

Manpreet couldn’t stay silent any longer. But when she tried to tell other family members about her dad’s unbearable behavior they’d tell her he wasn’t THAT bad and her mom should stay by his side.

MANPREET: I was told you're being really disrespectful to your dad, that's not what we do. And it's like, well I'm not gonna respect someone that is behaving like that. 

So one day near her mom’s 50th birthday Manpreet recalls something triggering her dad.

MANPREET: My dad went to hit me. I, I can't, I've kind of blurred it out now. So I dunno if he actually hit me or if he threatened to hit me something like that happened. Um, it was very scary. He really lost his temper and she just walked out the door basically without, she took a bag and she just left and that was the last time they saw each other.

After her mom left her dad became paranoid and accused Manpreet of splitting them up.

MANPREET: One night I woke up and he was standing over me and he was a bit drunk and he was like, ‘I know that this is all your fault.’ And he, I actually was a bit scared. I thought he could actually really do something to hurt me so I left.

Manpreet and her mom rented a flat nearby and the three of them – mom, Manpreet, and her brother – moved. Her dad didn’t have an income so her mom continued to pay his bills. Still he believed he was the victim. 

MANPREET: At this point took it upon himself to contact absolutely every single person in the family to um, say how awful my mom is, how awful his children are. Like saying things that weren't true. Like I know that we're taking loads of drugs and where this and that and the other, I dunno if in his mind he thought that was true because he started to really lose his mind a little bit.

Manpreet had gone back to the house for her things. Initially he tried to be nice because he was lonely, but then he’d regress back to his old ways. She says he became more paranoid and more depressed. 

MANPREET: I had no realization that actually his mental health was, you know, there was definitely some kind of mental health condition, like whether it be schizophrenia or bipolar or something was starting to happen, probably had always been there. But the stress trigger of losing his wife had really sort of sent his brain over the edge and um, and then he started to say to me, Oh, you know, I'm just gonna kill myself at some point. But he would say it like that and I would just think he was being annoying cause I genuinely felt like he would, you know, know he's more likely to kill everybody else over himself…

On January 8th Manpreet was in the front room of her mom’s flat hanging out with a friend. Manpreet had gotten a call from her aunt and went into her mom’s room to talk.

MANPREET: And I remember like just saying like when she called me and, and she said, Oh, you know, your mom won't be seeing your dad today. And, and she said, Something's happened. And I just knew, I was like, Oh, just let me know if, did he attempt to or did he succeed? And then she said that he succeeded. 

Manpreet’s dad had taken his life. She later learned he had made another attempt two days earlier… on Manpreet’s birthday… but this time was successful.  

MANPREET: I was upset. I can't even remember if I cried. I think I was still, I was really angry with him, to be honest. Like even when I, so I'm probably the next day I went to see his body, um, to make the ID. Um, and I just, I remember just swearing it because I was just like, you have traumatized me my whole life and you know, and now you've done this.

As expected the family mourned for 10 days before the funeral. Extended family were shocked and angry about her dad’s suicide.

MANPREET: So we had to go back to the house to do this and face his family who were very unkind. So were saying blaming us, like shaming us for it. … It was actually like being tortured for 10 days and just seeing this really the worst side of people. I cried a lot because it was horrible. They were all just shaming on my mom, shaming on her kids, you know, like one of his uncles was like quite physically aggressive with me and it was just horrible…It was absolutely one of the worst moments of my life... 

Manpreet wrote a speech she read at the funeral, where more than 150 people attended.

MANPREET: I just felt so angry that we had been abused our whole lives and we basically had just had enough, you know, And we tried to get help, we tried to say things to people, but no one really cared. But then, you know, when this awful thing has happened, obviously we never wanted my dad to take his life. I just wanted my dad to get help and get better. 

Her mom decided to sell that house, move into a different home and cut ties with many family members.

MANPREET: It was almost like we were sort of dying for that feeling of safety. And so like we were recreating that Friday night together, um, just like, you know, no shouting, it being very calm, very safe...but it was like we were really stuck cuz it was like we were afraid to leave that energy and do our individual healing kind of work, um, that we so desperately needed to do. So that feeling of safety that we had on that Friday night was kind of holding us back a little bit.

For a while Manpreet thought her life at 26 would now miraculously change because her dad wasn't in it.

MANPREET: I know it sounds awful, but I did wish for him to die a lot because he had had been so awful. So I kind of felt like I got this wish that I wanted, which was the three of us on our own...and I went into obsessing about men. So having some form of fantasy about a guy and trying to get this man, I was very, I distracted myself with relationships with men, with my, um, being busy with like people pleasing and taking care of others. So whether it be my family members or it'd be like friends…I used to watch a lot of tv. I, I drank more, so I was really numbing myself out from my grief. … So I just felt like quite, quite the zombie. 

She tried to pack up her grief and any feelings she had in a box. She was still trying to please her mom and her aunties and went on dates they arranged but she wasn’t interested. She didn’t realize it at the time but feeling abandoned by her dad made her desperate to feel loved and accepted and enough but she was also afraid to get close to men because she had no example of what a safe and healthy relationship looked like.

MANPREET: I got the sort of name of being too fussy and too picky and because I would be saying no to so many, um, like I think I saw about 30 people, so yeah. Wow. And then, yeah, and then I soon had to give up.

Manpreet found work as a business analyst in central London and moved into a small flat with friends. When she wasn’t working or numbing out on alcohol or TV she was people pleasing so there was no time to let any feelings creep in.

MANPREET: If I wasn't numb and I was actually feeling my feelings, uh, which I didn't allow myself to do very often, um, that that feeling would be there. It'd be like, I don't, I just don't wanna be here. I don't see the point. My life is, I'm a, a failure. Like, I haven't got married, I haven't met anyone. What's the point? 

But she kept all that to herself. Her real feelings were too dark to face or say out loud. 

MANPREET: Nobody at work or with my friends would ever know that I was in pain. So drinking was a great way for me to put a mask on it. So it would be like, sort of the life and the soul of the party. Like everyone would sort of love hanging out with me, gave me that sense of confidence. Um, definitely. So that was, it was a big mask.

She worked for a large UK retailer in the head office and IT department. At the same time Manpreet says the men she was attracting made her feel crazy because they were unavailable.

MANPREET: So that was making me feel really worthless and like, I didn't wanna live, I didn't enjoy doing my job. I had no energy for my life because I was giving, I was giving a lot of it away. And, um, and I, I, and I really felt like a failure cuz at this point now, you know, my friends have all got married, they're having children, and I can't, I can't, I can't find someone. I think there's something wrong with me. There was a particular man that sort of, I guess really triggered me more than others. He was married and, um, we didn't have a relationship, but it was, I felt very emotionally connected to him. Um, and it just sort of set my head in a head spin. 

Manpreet’s friends couldn’t understand why she was so attached to this person and were tired of hearing about him. That’s when Manpreet started calling a psychic hotline.

MANPREET: I got really addicted to like a psychic line where they would tell me that, Oh, you know what? He loves you. He's gonna be with you.

Their backgrounds were similar and Manpreet became attached to this fantasy that he would make her life complete. All her thoughts were consumed with him.

MANPREET: How can I make him love me? How can I make him choose me? How can I be enough? What can I wear to impress him? Where can I go? How can I interact with him? Like everything was about this particular person. Um, and yeah, to the point that I wasn't even taking care of myself anymore

It was around this time she read an article that promised the secret to getting the man of her dreams.

MANPREET: I sort of read somewhere that, you know, you can get, you could get the guy if you like, confident you love yourself.

So she went out and found a self help book titled “The Miracle of Self Love,” consumed it in a matter of days and started taking action immediately. It suggested things like daily affirmations and meditation. 

MANPREET: So I remember still obsessing about this guy, but doing my affirmations, still obsessing about this guy, but introducing meditation, still obsessing about this guy …

And when she got quiet and used her analytical brain to really think through the questions the book was asking she had a big breakthrough.

MANPREET: I realized that I did not love myself. I think that's what it was. I didn't even like myself…. why don't I just try to focus on learning how to do that?

So Manpreet attempted to follow the book’s advice but at the same time remained entangled in destructive relationships with people who weren’t available. 

MANPREET:   I'd been doing with men was in this book and I was like, Oh my God, this is me. I didn't know it was a thing. I didn't know it's attachment trauma. 

She went down the self help rabbit hole – tried Reiki, listened to podcasts on healing your inner child, and watched you tube videos about complex PTSD. Then she discovered something called somatic therapy. She learned she could release decades of trauma that had a hold on her body through mind-body techniques like breathing and meditation.

MANPREET: So we really went back into childhood trauma. Um, and I realized that the thing I was doing with men was, was an intimacy disorder. So it's like a, it's like alcoholism. So there was times in my life where the guy I was chasing did want me back and want a relationship with me, but then I took myself out of it. All of these scenarios kept me single. They kept me away from being intimate. 

And gradually Manpreet stopped chasing people who were unavailable and slowly began to focus on herself. She was 35 and finally grieving her dad, who had died almost a decade prior. 

MANPREET: And in that, my grief for my dad really came out. So the, um, I had started, I had got worse after he'd gone chasing these men because it was his love that I was chasing, you know, trying to be enough. Um, cuz he was very unavailable to me emotionally and without him a bit like his dad, his, you know, where he transitioned after he lost his parent. So did I, because I lost the person that I was living for cause I lived to please him. So when he'd gone, I didn't have that anymore and I really lost myself.

She worked with a coach who specialized in intimacy disorders and took an entire year away from relationships to focus on recovery. One of the activities her coach had her do was create a spreadsheet where she listed the men she had dated and all the things she wanted in a partner and then she had to go through, find the red flags and grade them. This really got through to Manpreet’s analytical way of thinking.

MANPREET: And the results were shocking... There were such low scores.

After the year was up she was working at the BBC as an IT specialist. There was a guy named Simon Bernie who sat across from her in the open office space.

MANPREET: I never noticed him cuz he wouldn't have p peaked my interest because he was not messed up. 

 At the office Christmas party Simon made a move.

MANPREET: I didn't know men that were healthy, that followed through, that were consistent. …but he persisted with me and I, I didn't trust him for a very long time. I found getting into that relationship quite difficult because I've never grown up with a man like him. He's from a different culture from me. Um, you know, he hasn't had the same kind of traumas that my family's had. So it was, I think I found myself anxious a lot, questioning it a lot, wanting to run away a lot, um, wanting to go into my old patterns of avoidance and things like that… He was used to be like, don't think that's a reason to break up. 

Manpreet appreciated the way Simon called her on her old patterns.

MANPREET: He’s the best bits of my dad. He has got, you know, his brains and his intelligence and his sense of humor, but he's very much like me actually. So he's very, and he's back much calmer … that safety, which that I'm able to have in this relationship is something I've longed for my whole life.

Manpreet is clear he’s not rescuing her as she had once fantasized, she did that all on her own. 

They dated for a year and moved in together in early 2020.

MANPREET: Then obviously the pandemic hit, um, while soon, very soon after we moved in together, which was the best thing for our relationship absolutely ever. Because my brain was still on that kind of high alert and in survival mode. So it's like, okay, well yeah, he's lovely, but when, when is it gonna get bad? Cuz this is not what men are like. We were able to build that intimacy and like, he's someone that I feel completely 100% safe with. 

So she came up with mantras she repeats to herself.

MANPREET:  I am worthy of a healthy romantic relationship. I am good enough. I am safe. It's safe for me to fall in love. …then I started to create my own affirmations and stick them in various places so that I could really take that in. That I was worthy of being loved.

Manpreet realized that as wonderful as her relationship was with Simon she knew it wasn't going to consume her. But she finally felt safe in her life with him that she could hear her calling to help others like her. So she decided to start a coaching business and podcast called “Heart’s Happiness,” where she shares her story of intergenerational trauma. 

HEART’S HAPPINESS PODCAST HERE

If she set aside her pain and hurt, Manpreet could begin to examine the facts and history that transpired – all of the traumatic events – the war, poverty, suicide, racism, alcoholism – all that her parents and grandparents had endured.  She read history books about what was happening to people like her grandparents during British rule and the partition of India.  

MANPREET: Actually having real understanding for them and their story. And um, you know, I, I can see that my grandparents try to give my parents a better life by moving countries. I can see that my parents try to give me a better life by giving me the money and opportunity that they didn't have. And now, you know, as me and Simon think about having our family, I wanna give my children that emotional safety in their body that I did not receive and that I, I have to work on to have. And I think that's the beauty of um, you know, breaking that cycle and not being just somebody that then gets an abusive relationship and starts the whole thing again.

It’s taken several years but having this real understanding has helped Manpreet to forgive her father. 

MANPREET: Not being able to forgive my dad, uh, was really holding me back from grieving him. It was really holding me back from the love that I had for him. Cuz he wasn't always this bad person.  

She began to see all of the expectations weighing on him that he was probably miserable in a job he did not choose. Manpreet says he felt he couldn’t control his own emotions and his own pain, which is why he took it out on others.

MANPREET: I don't blame them for what they did and how it came into me or anything. I have nothing but like a lot of respect and understanding because, you know, they didn't have a podcast or books or money to do any of these things. I am privileged to have all of that. And we have the opportunity at this point to start to take the steps to release that trauma from our bodies and to learn healthy tools to emotionally regulate. So we're not trying to control someone else or we're not trying to fix somebody else, or we're not trying to save somebody else.

Recently Manpreet was meditating and had a vision of her dad.

MANPREET: So it was like different versions of my inner child and, um, in my vision with him, like, um, and I'll apologize if I cry, but he, um, you know, he just sort of said, there's like a statue at the back of my garden where there's like three pillars and that, you know, he'd always be there for me to talk to. Like, you know, we used to talk to each other.

As for Manpreet’s mom, she’s a counselor helping victims of abuse and trauma. She's taken her daughter’s coaching course and is trying to do her own cycle breaking. 

As Manpreet left her career to start a coaching business there were times when those feelings of not being safe came back up, the wounds from the past returning. But she says she had the tools to help her release them.

MANPREET: So I don't let any of that kind of hold me back anymore and I continue to heal all the time.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.