Mom’s Depression Helps Her Forgive Her Own Mother’s Suicide

This season of 2 Lives is sponsored by the Women’s Foundation for the State of Arizona. Learn more at womengiving.org.

A head’s up: we talk about suicide in this episode. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 988. Reach out to TalkSpace and Open Path Collective for online therapy. In northern Arizona, The Guidance Center provides counseling.

Stephanie Keeler grew up surrounded by secrets. 

When her mom took her shopping for clothes she’d always buy Stephanie more than what was in their budget.

She'd always buy me extra…she had her own credit card that my dad never knew about. Never. And so she would always buy me extra clothes or whatever. And we had this kind of cute little secret.

One day when Stephanie was in high school she added up the number of years her parents were married and realized her brother was older. So she challenged her mom…

Like, ‘when did you lose your virginity?’ My mom would never tell me ever, ever. She would be like, oh, you know, with your dad. I'm like, well, I know that's not true. This was never admitted to me, but I can do math. I do know that she was pregnant before they got married. The timeline is clear. I figured that out in high school, confronted my mom. She acted like, no. I'm like, okay.

Her mom also hid darker things too like her depression.

When things got tough or difficult, or if there was an argument between my brothers or with my dad, she would just shut down. So she would end up going into her bedroom and crying for a weekend. Or she would just take off and then my dad would have to go find her. 

This is a story about how Stephanie dug up her mom’s secrets and became fiercely honest–and how that saved her.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.

Stephanie Keeler says her mom looked and acted like a famous cartoon character from the Thirties. 

Her name was Betty… thin, small, very large breasts, hair, pretty much that black and curly. Um, she was really fun and kind of ditzy, kind of like Betty Boop. 4 She was just funny, pretty gregarious when she was on, but then when she had her depressive moments, then she wasn't.

Stephanie’s dad John was a Phoenix, Arizona, police officer – stoic but kind and fun loving. On long weekends they’d pack up the trailer and go camping near Sedona or Payson. One time when they were camping Stephanie recalls sitting around the picnic table with her mom and two older brothers waving away the bugs. Betty had pulled out the fly swatter.

…and a fly lands on her breast and she without hesitation picked up the fly swatter and whacked herself really hard. . And we went into hysterics cuz she was like, ‘oh no.’

To Stephanie it felt like only positive emotions like these were allowed in her family. 

Like I can remember high school, everybody, you know, has a hard time in high school. And I would have a hard time and I would just go cry in my room and no one would know. … but nobody would ever ask you how you know, what's going on. How are you doing? Like, there just really wasn't a lot of talk about emotions and stuff and really wasn't allowed to be angry or sad. I mean I think it's normal for kids to cry and especially teenagers to get angst and to get, um, frustrated. But I probably retreated and cried to my bedroom a lot more than most.

So Stephanie would hide out in her bedroom taking the phone with her and talking to her friends for hours at a time.

When Betty was upset she’d also retreat to her bedroom or after Stephanie’s dad left for work Betty would grab the keys and take off. Stephanie says her brothers felt the brunt of that abandonment because she was too young to understand what was going on.

She would just be gone for days, didn't know where she was at. ….when she would go to sleep for a week or for a weekend, she would cry for a weekend…I definitely took that personally. You know, I can remember going in and she would just be laying there in a ball, in a puddle of tears and I would just be like, ‘mom, like, come on out. Like, I love you.’ You know, trying to wake her up and get her out of her depression and, um, you know, and to some degree you'd think it was your fault, you know, even if it wasn't, I mean, even if I wasn't involved.

After a few days it would pass. To Stephanie it was normal.

You're always kind of walking on eggshells and then she would just pull herself up and come outta the room on Monday morning and she would be fine. My parents would never talk about it. It was never talked about. She just had no communication skills. I mean, she would just shut down. 

After Stephanie graduated from high school and went a couple hours away to college at Northern Arizona University, she realized her mom’s bouts of depression were serious. One weekend Stephanie drove home to see her parents.

It was obvious that she was angry. You could see it in her eyes, you could see it in her whole demeanor. She was very angry. And I was just kinda like, oh no, this is no good. And I was like, hi, mom. You know? And she hardly said hi to me. And then, uh, my dad went and got the mail and came back and there was a check in there, um, a bounced check, um, from my grandmother's account. And, once he ripped that open and confronted her with that, she got really angry… Basically she had altered the check and that's why it bounced. She obviously did not acknowledge that or, or admit to that. Um, but they ended up having words in front of me and she ended up leaving the house. And, she said something to the effect of my dad. She's like, well, you don't have to worry about me anymore, you'll never see me again.

So Stephanie took off. She didn’t know what to do with this new side of her parents. A facade had been lifted. 

I was hurt because I was like, oh, I was so excited to be here. And then she didn't care that I was here. ... And I can remember, just remember going, what does that mean? 

Betty went to her sister’s house about a mile away. When no one was home she came back for her things. What no one knew at the time, Betty was throwing everything away.

And we all thought, my dad and I thought that she was taking them to my aunt's house, you know, and she was just packing up all of her stuff, all of her stuff. And, um, she did things like she went through all the, um, photo albums mm-hmm. <affirmative>, and took pictures of her out.

A week went by when Stephanie’s dad John discovered his guns were missing. He told Stephanie to sneak over to her aunt’s house and bring the guns back home. So she tiptoed into her mom’s room while she was asleep and took the guns. A couple hours later Stephanie went back to her aunt’s house to check on her mom again. 

And, uh, and I got there in the garage was closed, and I could hear the car running and I'm like, oh no. PAUSE  I ended up finding her in my aunt's garage full of carbon monoxide. 

Stephanie ran next door and called the first person that came to mind, her dad. 

And he was like, Stephanie, get in that house. And so I jumped the fence, got in the house, immediately opened the door, opened the garage door, and just hit with a plume of smoke. And I was just like, oh no. Um, and then called 911. 

When the ambulance arrived they broke the car window and dragged Betty out onto the driveway. 

I was mad. I was mad. Like my whole world just crashed. I couldn't believe that she would think about leaving me, I mean, my brothers, her grandchildren. Right. But me, you know, I took it very personally. 

Sitting in the hospital, um, I said, ‘dad, what's going on?’ Like, it's like, ‘well, I don't wanna tell you what's going on. You know, I don't wanna embarrass your mom.’ And I'm like, ‘too late, too late. This is, this is embarrassing. I'm sorry. You've gotta spill it. Bring it.’ 

That’s when John told Stephanie that her mom was addicted to gambling and this wasn’t her first suicide attempt. 

I felt very close to my mom, um, until that day. And then I realized I didn't know her at all that, and that was also hard for me. I was like, oh wait, I don't know this woman. I don't know her at all. She was very angry at me for, for finding her. I don't know if it was embarrassment, she wanted to die. I told her that I was hurt. … And my aunt walks in and my aunt's in tears and my aunt's hugging my mom. And she's like, you promised me you wouldn't do this. You promised you wouldn't do this. So my aunt already had previous knowledge. She knew. She knew. And you know, you promised me and my, and my mom's going, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I'm sitting in the room and I'm like, where's, where's my, where? 

All of this was a lot for Stephanie to handle at 25. In the months that followed she visited home more frequently to check on her mom. It was around this time Stephanie reconnected with an old boyfriend from high school. 

We had sex. Um, he asked me if I was safe and had, I was like, yes, I'm on the birth control pill. I get home, I go to take my pill, and I realize I'm a day off. it. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A few weeks went by before she knew for sure she was pregnant. Stephanie kept asking herself…

How did I make this mistake? How I, I'm smarter than this. I'm old enough not to make this mistake. How did I make this mistake? And how one pill, it was one pill. How did it happen? It happens, you know? And then my second thought was, I can't have a baby right now. I cannot, there was not a question of what I would do in my mind. I didn't, I didn't mull over having a baby… I was a college student. I was partying I wasn't healthy, mentally I wasn't healthy at the moment, and I wasn't physically healthy at the moment. I was like, no, I can't, no, I can't bring a human into this world right now. 

Stephanie had always wanted to be a mother but knew this was not the right time. She had a list of reasons: She was one year away from graduating and becoming a field biologist. Emotionally she was not in a place to be a mom. She was still sorting through her own mother’s secrets. And Stephanie worried she couldn’t be a decent mom when she hadn’t had the best role model. 

So she made an appointment at Planned Parenthood in Phoenix to have an abortion. 

Six months had passed since Betty’s latest suicide attempt. John tried to get her help for her gambling addiction and he thought the recovery program had worked but Betty couldn’t quit. 

One night in November of 1998, Stephanie was back at school getting ready to watch a movie and called her mom.

She was like, ‘you're gonna watch The Wizard of Oz? She's like, you, you know, you always said that that movie tormented you and that I forced you to watch that movie.’ And I was like, I didn't, I said, the monkeys scared the hell outta me, but, you know, but she was projecting, you know, her own, um, her own self, lack of self worth and ego onto me. And I was like, I as if I held that against her, you know? …And at the very end I was like, well, ‘I'll see you in a week. You know, I'm coming down for Thanksgiving’ …She's like, yeah, I, I'm, yeah. And she just kind of hesitated… she didn't say anything. And I was like, I love you and her love you was so soft and sad. And she goes, I, ‘I love you.’ And we hung up and I was like, ‘something's not right.’

The next day November 18, 1998, after another fight with John over her continued gambling, Betty tried again to take her life. 

I get a call from my dad around four. And, uh, he's like, ‘Steph, she's gone.’ And I'm like, what? And I knew it immediately. 

In the beginning it was the grief and the sadness and of just losing my mom. Um, and then the anger. Um, and how dare she leave me? And how could she leave me? And how, you know, um, I never thought I could forgive her. I never thought I would get over the anger. 

Grief is complicated and messy. For Stephanie, it was a mix of emotions – anger, sadness, confusion, shock. 

Eight years after her mom died Stephanie felt she had worked through her grief. It was around this time she met Ben.

Ben and I had dated for four years. We met in the field, um, about a year after I graduated. I wanted the relationship, a comfortable, safe, healthy relationship to have children in. And I felt like I had that, and we did have that. And he, he was my best friend and I loved him. 

At 33 she discovered she was pregnant and this time she was ready.

I even planned, before I even got pregnant for a year, I like quit caffeine. I didn't drink any alcohol. I didn't smoke any pot. Like, I started exercising. I was eating well, I was taking all my vitamins. 

Stephanie also promised herself she wouldn’t be like her own mother. She would be different – honest, direct, and present. 

It really hurt me that I didn't know my mom. And so I want my kids to know who I am.  

In January of 2006 Stephanie and Ben had a son and named him Oliver. Two years later they had another baby boy and named him Camden. 

One fall day when the kids were little, Ben and Stephanie decided to go to a Día de los Muertos event where families display their ofrendas for the people they love who have died. It’s on this day that people believe the souls return to be with their families. As Stephanie took in the altars of old photos and flowers and favorite foods of the departed, the tears started to fall.

It hit me like a lead brick. I started to cry so bad. I was like, I could almost not breathe, um, like I was in hysterics…I couldn't keep it together anymore. And you know, that's the day the souls come back and, you know, isn't that a wonderful thing? They come back and I was like, no. If I saw my mom right now, I'd punch her in the face. I would beat the shit out of her. Like I, that's, you know what I mean? I was so mad. I just, I couldn't stop. Like I, it just, and Ben was like, uh, you okay? He's like, we gotta go. I'm like, we gotta go.

Stephanie found a counselor to help her deal with her anger and it was with her therapist’s guidance that Stephanie realized there was one secret she hadn’t uncovered.

It took me 18 years to realize that… that I buried my self worth when I buried my mom…And it's taken me 24 years to dig it back up. And it's a slow process. PAUSE  My self worth has been buried. 

She blamed her mom for it and she didn’t know how she could forgive her.

One of the things that also happens with suicide is, um, no matter who it is, um, but your pain, the person who commits suicide doesn't stop. You just pass that pain and all your baggage and all your luggage onto somebody else. All your friends, all your family, they take on your pain and your luggage. And not only did I bury my self worth, but then I was forced to take her self worth and all her sadness and all her depression. 

Stephanie says being a mom has been the most fulfilling part of her life. She never loved any being as much as she loved her children. That’s why after having kids, it was so hard for her to accept her mother’s suicide. She questioned how much Betty loved her. 

Shouldn't she have wanted to live for me? Shouldn't, you know, was I, so was I so unimportant in her life?

Stephanie fell into a dark place and she felt her life begin to unravel… to the point where SHE was now suicidal and thinking of leaving her own kids.

I was like, oh no, I'm, I'm on the brink. I'm on the verge of suicide. You know? It made me so angry to get there, because like, I'd never do this to my kids. I have two kids. I would never do that to my children. Never. And here I am having, having suicide ideations … Um, I had this thought that my kids were better off without me. And it's so embarrassing to say that, but so I, I had that thought and I was like, oh my gosh, no, I'm, I'm in trouble. …So I went to my counselor, I believe it was the next day, and I told her, and she goes, well, now can you see where your mom got? And I was like, oh, wow. Too real, too real. She's like, can you now, can you forgive her? PAUSE 

And that was the beginning of forgiving her, you know? I was like, okay. And she said another poignant thing to me, which was, anybody can get to any situation given the right circumstances. She's like, just because you thought you couldn't get there, here you are. And now you have to start healing. 

For Stephanie, that was the beginning of letting go of the anger and reestablishing her own sense of self. Stephanie knew she had to heal and forgive her mom, not just for herself but for her kids. She couldn’t carry that anger around in her heart.

First off, I can't live like this. I'm so sad and depressed, but second off, I can't, uh, something's gotta happen cuz I can't do this to my kids. Cuz if I pass that on to my kids, then I, it's basically a death sentence to one of them. Cuz they'll probably just continue that cycle of suicide. It was like, it can't.

Through therapy Stephanie discovered she had lost her identity in her roles of wife and mother.

I had lost my career because I chose to stay home. I still haven't picked that career back up. I was Ben's wife or I was Oliver and Camden's mom. I completely lost my own identity. 

Stephanie is still in the process of healing…She decided to end her relationship with Ben. One of the ways she’s rebuilding her self worth is by asking for what she needs. 

There are friends that, um, would definitely reach out and they're like, uh oh, are you okay? You know, like, really? And usually even if I'm not okay, the answer usually is I'm fine. You know, I mean, I might say I'm depressed. I might say that, you know, I just had like, you know, didn't got denied for a job that just hit me so hard. Again, it just proved another part of my unworthiness. It just keeps coming back around. It’s a work in progress.

But she doesn’t hole up in her room or run away from her loved ones like her mom did.

I'll let it wash over me. I'll sit down and I'll cry and I'll talk with a few friends, you know, and then I'm like, okay, get back up. Let's go. You gotta get back up. You know? And I still have, I, I still have to be, um, an active parent. Like, I still, I have teenagers and I still can't, I can't go to sleep and sleep for a weekend. I've never done that, but I've wanted to... I can't let it take a hold of me. I mean, I, I do break down. I do cry. I do have those thoughts. Um, not suicide thoughts, but the unworthiness um, still. And I just, I go back to my mantras and I go back to, you know, knowing, um, that I'm okay and that, um, I'm a beautiful, intelligent woman. And, you know, just because I didn't get this job doesn't mean that I'm unworthy. Um, but you have to remind yourself that.

Now that her kids are teenagers she watches them carefully for signs of depression and she’s committed to being completely open with them.

My kids asked me when I lost my virginity, I told them ... When they asked me about my mom when they were old enough and they asked about my mom and how she died, I told them, you know, I didn't skirt away from it. I didn't hide it.  I have had depressive moments. They, in my darkest time, saw me cry a lot. And I, that makes me sad. Um, but I try to communicate a lot with my kids. I don't, um, I don't hide myself from them.

Stephanie is fiercely honest with her kids and with her friends. She even got a tattoo of a semicolon on her wrist to bring awareness to suicide – to people who end their life abruptly mid sentence.

People suffer in silence with depression. They rarely reach out and say, Hey, by the way, I'm on the edge. I'm on the edge. You know, I'm having suicidal thoughts like that. Never, they don't, it doesn't happen. It doesn't have to be taboo. And we need to change how we look at not only suicide, but mental health and depression. And it needs to be something that shouldn't be taboo or embarrassing to talk about. Or, you know, we should have a community where you can go, Hey man, I'm, I'm not doing well. I need help.

She knows it’s what’s saved her. And if her mom had had that, she might still be here, too.

This is 2 Lives. 

I’m Laurel Morales.