Once Isolated With PTSD, Today Teacher Connects Cultures

To learn more about Audra Travelbee’s work visit Culture Connection AZ.

Growing up Audra Travelbee loved a very particular game…. 

I mean I remember none of my friends wanted to play school. They were like, ‘why would we pretend we're in school?’

When Audra got her way, that’s what she wanted to do. She would make worksheets, give out homework, and grade it. But when it came to actual school, she had a hard time.

It's really funny because I didn't like school either ... being socially awkward, having these challenges. I didn't have a lot of friends. It got worse when I was in junior high and kind of the beginning of high school. Like I didn't talk. I would from the second I got to school in the morning until the second I left school, I didn't speak for like six whole hours.

She felt isolated and alone much of the time.

I heard a lot of messages growing up about me being a loser.  And so I really internalized that and was like, ‘I'm a loser. Like, I'm never going to do anything impactful.’ And so because I believe that I really never put myself out there, I didn't do sports, I didn't do theater or any artsy stuff. I loved art, but I didn't like show it to anybody… I really just tried to stay, like, as invisible as possible most of the time, because that's what was safe. 

This is a story about how Audra found her calling and then had to switch gears, becoming her fuller self, who makes others feel less alone.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.

Walking On Eggshells

Audra Travelbee grew up in Connecticut in a culturally diverse neighborhood.

I grew up on a street of all immigrants. My next door neighbor was from France. The person across the street was from Czechoslovakia, two doors down, my best friend was from Poland.

They became very close with their neighbors.

My mom was so far away from her, her blood family, that these people became her family. I mean, I called them Auntie Ceil, Auntie Irene, you know. I remember being super excited to go to Auntie Ceil's house because she would make the special dessert that we loved. And, you know, and my mom would just go in and just talk to them like they would just chat and have coffee and, you know, we would be there for hours just playing in the backyard.

Audra also recalls more difficult times with her mom and dad… times that made her want to disappear. 

My father was an alcoholic. There was a lot of, like, tiptoeing, feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Not sure when he was going to lose his temper. We just kind of never knew what was going to set him off. And he would do this thing where he would like kind of do like a final like and blah, blah, blah. And then he'd storm out, but then he'd like, come back five minutes later and start yelling at you again. So there was just this, you know, I grew up with that, like heightened sense of fight or flight.

Audra’s mother had severe depression and an undiagnosed psychiatric disability. That was confusing and scary for Audra as a kid. 

But a psychiatric disability isn't something that you have control over. You can't just think your way out of it. You can't do that anymore than like a diabetic could think their way into making more insulin in their blood.

Audra Feels Accepted For The First Time

In high school she took Spanish, but it wasn’t until she took a class in college that she fell in love with the language. So the summer after her junior year Audra did a study abroad program in Mexico and lived with a host family.

I wanted to communicate with them so badly because I loved hanging out with them and just like really connected and just, you know, the culture, the food, the music, everything about it. 

And in Mexico, no one knew her so she could try on a different persona. She didn’t have to be the socially awkward one.

I'm just trying to say what I need to say to you in a language that you understand. So all of those little subtleties about, well, you said this weird or you saw this, you know, it rubbed me the wrong way. Like, that's kind of gone. And it was just there was this whole new level of communication and acceptance. Acceptance I opened up that was just so, like, refreshing and relieving.

She bonded with her host mother and stayed up late drinking beers and learning slang from her host brothers. She even had a boyfriend. In this world Audra felt accepted. 

So by the end of the summer, the language was really starting to click. One day she was walking from her host family’s house to a friend’s house when someone came up to her and asked directions in Spanish.

So I told her in Spanish, like, you know, go down two blocks, make a right, go down here, make an all in Spanish. And then she was like, Oh, okay, thank you. … And I just remember, like, I took two steps and then I stopped and I was like, Oh my God, I just gave someone directions in Spanish to get somewhere. Like, I lived here. Like, I know where, you know, that was definitely a moment where I was. Yeah, it was a big moment.

Audra says that summer in Mexico was momentous.

AUDRA: It really did it. I mean, it changed my life. LAUREL: Was it hard coming home? AUDRA: Yes. I cried. I cried and cried. I cried when I got on the bus. I cried when I got on the plane. I cried when the plane landed. For weeks after I got home, I just wanted to go back.

She had such a powerful experience that she came back to college and changed her major from business management to Spanish for business.

‘The Classroom Is My Happy Place’

After graduation she landed a job in the corporate world processing mortgage loans for an international bank but quickly learned it wasn’t for her.

I hated it so much. Oh, I am not built for corporate work. The whole corporate model and hierarchy and all that stuff. It is not compatible with me. Sitting in a cubicle for 8 hours a day typing data into a computer meaninglessly like, I can't handle that. 

But the job did afford her the opportunity to go to therapy to figure out next steps in her career.

Working with a therapist, you know, we tried to come up with like, okay, what are some other options? What are the things that you're passionate about? What are the things that you're good at? And right about the same time that I was working on this with my therapist, I was training people at my job and somebody said to me, Have you ever been a teacher? And I was like, No, Why? And they're like, You're really good at training. You're really good at explaining stuff. And it was like this lightbulb. I was like, Oh, man. And I had never considered being a teacher because, again, like the social awkwardness of the idea of standing in front of, you know, 30 people every day being the center of attention. That was terrifying. I was like, I could never be a teacher because I can't handle that. 

Audra couldn’t imagine herself being in front of a classroom full of people.

But her therapist encouraged her to explore the idea. What would it take? Audra found a master’s program for teaching Spanish at Northern Arizona University. She applied and got accepted.

I packed everything I owned into my car and drove to Flagstaff, never been further west than like Indiana, terrified. But I mean within like a week, I knew that I was like, yeah, this is it. This is what I meant to do.

During graduate school Audra did another study abroad program, this time in Argentina. But while she was there, something happened to compound her growing list of trauma.

I was by myself and I was walking past the park and I heard footsteps behind me and I heard them getting faster…somebody grabbed me like I had a backpack on and they grabbed my backpack and when I turned around, it was a guy and he was like, you know, ‘da mi tu muchila, give me your backpack!’ And I was like, ‘no.’ And he was like, ‘da mi tu muchila,’ and he punched me in the face. And it's really funny. Like, the way that you react in that moment is not the way you think you would, especially because of the trauma. You would think that I would kind of just cower and take my backpack off and start crying. But I got really mad and I was like, ‘no!’ …And I remember thinking, okay, he just punched me. I'm still standing. It wasn't that bad. I think I can take a couple more punches before I give up and my passport is in here. All my pictures … So I took all of my body weight and I threw myself out into the middle of the street … So I threw myself out in the street and I'm waving my hands and I'm screaming. And he must have realized that like, ‘Oh, someone's going to see me.’ So he let go and he just took off running down the street. 

And that’s when Audra ran home to her host mother. 

And she took one look at me and was like, ‘que paso?!’ What happened? You know, and then I started crying. It wasn't really until after that happened that I started experiencing a lot more of the acute symptoms of PTSD.

If someone was walking behind her, she'd have to let them pass. If there was a loud noise, she’d cringe and want to dive for cover. Pile on the stress of grad school and Audra became pretty anxious. Even though she had access to the counseling center on campus, she couldn’t find the time to go. 

Grad school is like insane. I was teaching two classes like by myself taking three classes. Like I don't yeah, I just hyper taking care of no room for it and really, no no ability for me to stop and process what had happened because it was like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. I got to teach, I got to do my homework. I got to write this paper, I got to take this exam. Like, I just I don't think I ever stopped. 

She still had one place where she felt at ease, where all of the stress of grad school fell away – the classroom.

The passion for Spanish, the desire to connect with the students, the excitement when they understand something, it clicks like that just takes over… I had a student ask me, We were talking about happy places and they were like, ‘what's your happy place?’ And I was like, ‘It's the classroom.’ And they were like, ‘what? It's work. It's the classroom?’ And I was like, ‘yeah, because when I go into a classroom, like, that's all that exists. Just me and the students and all that matters is them understanding what I'm trying to teach them ... Everything else is left outside. All my problems, all my stress, all my, you know, issues with people. It's all gone. Like, that's the only thing that matters. And there's nothing better than just like you can fully be in that moment. 

But after she graduated from her master’s program, she had trouble finding a full-time teaching job. She pieced together part-time adjunct positions, barely able to pay for gas to get from job to job, so she certainly couldn’t afford therapy at 75 dollars a visit. 

Pretty soon the panic and anxiety escalated and landed her in the emergency room shaking with muscle spasms.

I had, like, severe, severe panic disorder. I remember the last time I wound up in the hospital, I was literally twitching, like, just my whole body was twitching when I when they when I first got checked in, she was like, ‘did you take a hallucinogenic drug?’ And I was like, ‘Nope, this is just all me.’ Like, I need help.

But Audra didn’t get that help right away even though she knew she needed therapy. After three visits to the emergency room, she gave up. She felt her only option was to apply for a job with benefits to pay for therapy, so she went back to a desk job.

Oh my God, I thought I was going to be a teacher. I can't make this work now. I have to go do a desk job again. This is awful. And my mental health went down really, really quickly. But because I finally had health insurance after not having it for adjunct for so many years, I was able to actually get help and I went and saw a psychiatric nurse and immediate, as soon as I started talking, she's like, God, you are classic PTSD. I'm going to give you a test. And yeah, she was like, Yeah, you have PTSD. 

Audra was devastated she couldn’t be a full time Spanish teacher. That’s when she saw a posting for a position in the farming city of Yuma on the Arizona-Mexico border. 

I cried the whole trip. Moving from Flagstaff to Yuma didn't want to leave Flagstaff. All my friends were here. My support network was here, but it was like, do you want to stay where it's comfortable or do you want your career to do you want to be a Spanish teacher?

After a semester in Yuma she taught at Arizona State University in Phoenix, and finally after four years, a full-time Spanish teaching position opened up back in Flagstaff at Northern Arizona University.

…and I applied for it and I got it and I was just like over the moon. 

Audra was always open with her students about her struggles. On the first day of every semester she’d hand out a list of campus resources. 

Also, here's the number for counseling. And you know, I've done counseling. It changed my life. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't done it. It's nothing to be ashamed of. And I really encourage you to seek it out. I remember in particular talking to one student who told me that they had PTSD and that they just knew that that meant … they couldn't graduate from college and they were going to drop out. And I looked at the student and I said, ‘I have PTSD.’ And like the look on their face, they were just like, ‘what?’ And I was like, ‘yeah, and I've been able to do all these things.’ 

Bridging The Cultural Divide

Audra took the language program at NAU to a new level. She started a study abroad program and a virtual exchange program over zoom with another university in Mexico.

It's hard to overstate the impact. You would have a student that would come in with a very narrow view of what Mexico was and who Mexican people were mostly influenced by the U.S. media, which usually is pretty negative. And then they would talk to the student at a university in Mexico for an hour. And then as soon as the conversation was over, they would come up to me, they would come up to me and they'd be like, Oh my God, Like, that person already speaks to other languages. We have the same favorite band, you know, this and that. And just like the humanizing and the the connection that was there and just this, the power that it had to, like, destroy the super narrow stereotypical view they had in such their perspective and in such a short amount of time, like in, in our conversation, I was like, ‘wow, this is amazing.’

The study abroad program wasn’t typical. Audra knew the best way for students to become immersed in the culture was to find a way for them to be part of a community. So not only were they students but they were also volunteers.

I think it's really tough sometimes when you travel to another country to get out of that sort of tourist mode. I mean, people treat you like a tourist. You know, you're going to see cool things. The interaction that you have with locals is mostly like transactional. You know, it's a waiter or it's me working at a hotel. But when you go and you volunteer, you're immediately part of that community. You're there to help. People are asking you for things. People are treating you like, you know, like you're one of them.

COVID Layoffs

In March of 2020 Audra had taught at NAU for five years. She was going to therapy, managing her PTSD. But then COVID hit, and the whole world shifted. 

At first it was like, ‘well, you don't need to worry. Like you're a super hard worker. You've done all this stuff for us, you've brought all these programs.’ And then slowly it started to be a little more like you might have something to worry about. 

After spring break faculty and students were told to stay home. Around the country Audra saw one college after another laying off staff. Finally, at the end of May, Audra’s boss set up a zoom meeting with her to tell her she was being let go. 

I remember in the meeting kind of just being in shock. I didn't say much. I was like a deer in the headlights after ...The entire meeting took about 15 minutes. And then my teaching career was over. That was it…Yeah, it was it was devastating. I mean I couldn't at first I couldn't understand it. I was like, I don't understand. This is my calling. This is what I meant to do. It didn’t compute. PAUSE

Audra’s identity was wrapped up in being a Spanish teacher.

It was everything about me. And it was like, Well, how do I separate? I'm not a Spanish teacher anymore. I don't even know what that means. I don't even know who I am. I've done this for 14 years. How do I what do I do now? I really struggled with the anger and the bitterness. I remember at a certain point my partner saying, you need to go talk to somebody like you're not okay, and I can't. I love you, but I can't be around this constant anger anymore. 

So once again, Audra found herself seeking professional help.

Therapist Points Out Trauma

My therapist immediately acknowledged the experience as a trauma, and that just made me feel so validated. You know, she was like, This is what you experienced was traumatic. And I was like, Oh, because a lot of people were just like, ‘It's just a job, you know, just move on…’ And … the longer I got stuck in that circle of anger and bitterness, like people would start telling me, like, ‘I don't want to hang out with you because all you talk about is how you got screwed over and you got to move on from that.’ And so just having somebody say, ‘you know, what you experienced was a trauma. So let's treat it like that and let's move from that place…’

Her therapist gave her a new perspective on what she had experienced as a child with parents she couldn’t rely on. 

Being socially awkward like I'm just now connecting that to being neurodiverse and I'm like, oh…And it's it's like, gosh, it feels so validating to have it be like, well, there's actually reasons why you struggled so much.

In addition to therapy Audra found tools to deal with her PTSD in the most unusual of places.

The biggest education that I've gotten about being neurodiverse and what that means is on TikTok.

TIKTOK VIDEO

They've helped me advocate for myself. They’ve helped me understand that when I'm struggling, like I have a right to these things as a human being. It's empowered me to do more like disability activism. 

Audra Reinvents Herself, Finds Her Gift, Connects Cultures

Her therapist also helped her explore what she could do… if she couldn’t teach higher ed Spanish, what could be her other calling?

It really was like, okay, you know, I've done all this exchange work. I know the positive impact and just the I know the monumental impact that it has when somebody even just has a Zoom talk with someone for an hour in another country. I know the power of these direct intercultural exchanges. How can I do that if I can't do it through a job at a university? And it seemed like, you know, well, then you do it at a different organization. Okay, well, what kind of organization can I do that through? Well, there really aren't any in Flagstaff. Well, why don't I start one? 

So Audra looked into what it would take to start a cultural exchange nonprofit – a place that united people of all ages and backgrounds. She wanted people to feel the impact she felt when she bonded with someone outside her circle, who expanded the way she thought about things. She started asking around and met with someone she knew who had started a theater company.

She was like the first person that I talked to to be like, all right, brass tacks. What am I looking at? She's like, You're looking at a very difficult road ahead. 

The first challenge was writing a budget, the second was finding a space for low rent in an area many people could access. She did have some seed money. Later in life Audra’s dad got sober and the two became closer. His sobriety was even a source of inspiration for her. So in 2016 when he died from prostate cancer, he left money to Audra. 

She went to neighborhood, city, and county meetings on a fact finding mission. She heard from many different people that Flagstaff was unwelcoming to newcomers.

It’s really hard for a lot of people in Flagstaff as being unwelcoming but if you're not white, if you're not wealthy, if you're not middle class… That’s what I heard is like we don't feel like we belong. We don't feel like we're valued. We don't feel like we're seen in particular. I mean, one one thing that comes to mind is the artist community.

So Audra started Culture Connection AZ a nonprofit with a mission to break down stereotypes and other things that isolate us and to build up community. She does this through things like Spanish conversation classes, cooking classes with guest chefs from around the world, and art shows. 

My favorite thing is when we get people who it's their first show. If I get an artist and they're like, I've never done a show before, I'm super nervous. I always like, take a picture of them with a sign that says, First show I shared on our social media. I mean, to me it's an honor to have somebody pick us because you never know where that career is going.

Audra knows the power of connecting two people who wouldn’t otherwise meet.

One hour completely changed their perspective, like that's how you make it happen. And so there needs to be something in the community where people are connecting with people outside of their bubble, outside of their race, outside of their gender, outside of their ethnicity, outside of their religion.

Audra hopes to get back to her happy place the classroom someday, but for now she pursues her mission one connection at a time.

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.