After Loss And Breast Cancer, Writer Learns To Surrender

To learn more about Katie Joy Duke and her book “Still Breathing: My Journey With Love, Loss, And Reinvention” go to her website.

Perfectionist From The Start

At a young age Katie Joy Duke excelled in everything she tried.

I was an excellent swimmer. I got the high point trophy every meet. I got all A's. I think about holding a very high bar for myself, competing against myself.

If she didn’t think she’d do well she wouldn’t attempt it. She had a family reputation to uphold.

I felt the sense that I needed to live up to the way that my brother and sister were excelling in the world. 

Katie graduated college with honors and got her law degree right away. At 27 she became a lawyer at a non profit in New York City eyes set on saving the world. She worked hard to gain recognition, always comparing herself to women 10 years older.

It wasn’t until much later that she learned to let go of perfection to surrender. 

Part of my spiritual journey as I've gotten older is to enjoy the process, to trust the process, I don't hold such high expectations for myself anymore … And so I'm letting it be enough. And I love myself for exactly who I am.

This is a story about Katie accepting her imperfect life and allowing who she is to be enough.

This is 2 Lives. I'm Laurel Morales.

A Proposal And A Discovery

In February 2015 Katie and her boyfriend Eli were on vacation in Hawaii. 

I really was just on top of the world. I really felt so confident in my career. And I had this great boyfriend and I was on vacation in February. Who does that? 

One night after the couple watched the sun set over the Pacific, Eli proposed and Katie said yes. The next day on a hike Katie noticed she suddenly didn’t feel quite herself, so she did the math in her head, and thought, ‘what if I’m pregnant?’ On their way back to the hotel she picked up a pregnancy test from the drug store and discovered sure enough she was.

I was a little bit devastated…It just felt like too much, too fast.

But quickly that devastation turned into excitement for a wedding and a baby. They learned from an ultrasound the baby was a girl. The couple started to nickname her poppyseed thanks to a pregnancy app that compared the size of the fetus to a poppyseed. 

Katie and Eli got married two months later and told their parents the night of the wedding they would soon be grandparents to a baby girl. 

And it all ended up being totally beautiful and super romantic. And I fully stepped into it. And, you know, we just accepted it for what it was. And we were both in our thirties at that point. So it was certainly okay that we were going to go ahead and be a family, you know, as soon as we could. 

As Katie looked forward to her baby’s birth she stayed in shape hiking and doing prenatal yoga, eating healthy foods. She also started communicating with her daughter.

I started writing to her…And it was just this very like anticipatory, excited, you know, I'm going to meet you soon. And, you know, Daddy and I are so in love.

10/25/15

On the baby’s due date October 25th Katie went into labor. She told Eli she didn’t think she’d sleep that night.

Like, I could just sense it, you know? And I woke up around midnight, I think it was, and Eli was still awake on the couch, and I encouraged him to go to bed because I knew that I was in labor. And if he wanted to sleep, he needed to get some now.

The following morning they got the ok to go to the hospital.

We went to the hospital excited to meet our little girl and I felt confident  … we were ready to meet her.

A nurse asked Katie if she wanted to switch into a hospital gown or a robe from home. Katie changed into her robe and sat on the edge of the hospital bed so the nurse could monitor the baby’s heartbeat.

She pulled out the Doppler monitor in the way that I had had it measured so many times before and squirted the jelly on my belly… And she just couldn't find it. You know, it was just one of those things where she just kind of kept moving it around. Never entered my brain like the idea that that it wouldn't be there. That probably was had to have been less than a minute when Eli and I were in the room together. And I just kind of looked down at my belly like, Where are you, baby? Like, what's what's up? And I looked over at Eli. I remember seeing the concern on his face, like he was obviously concerned in a way that I was just completely oblivious. 

The nurse left the room and brought their midwife Mia back in.

And she also tried to find Poppy's heartbeat and couldn't. And. So that was the moment that then Mia said, ‘I'm sorry, Katie, we can't find a heartbeat.’ It was just like, utterly mind numbing. Devastating, traumatic. Like. Impossible. What? What? What do you mean? The flood of all the things that rush in. When you hear that devastating news, you know, it'll stop your heartbeat, right? Like it could. It could really just put you into such a state of shock. And I, of course, did go into a state of shock. Eli. Eli rushed over and. And hugged. Hugged my belly, hugged me. We started weeping. 

Phoenix Rising

When they came home from the hospital Katie walked upstairs, went to her pregnancy books and looked up fetal death, coping. But nothing had prepared them for a stillbirth.

Katie wanted to donate her breast milk. It gave her a sense of purpose at a time when she needed it most. It was also therapeutic for Katie to continue writing to Poppy. Here’s Katie reading about the time after Poppy died.

I closed my eyes and recalled the vision I'd had in my dream. There was fire, chaos and destruction. I was wrestling with something, a force just before waking a phoenix rose out of the flames, spread its wings and hovered in the air. Resting back in the glider, I sensed that the dream was a message from my future. The phoenix myth tells us that something old must be destroyed and transformed to make room for the new. There was always a sacrifice. The sacrifice would make way for the freedom to choose the reality I chose. The sacrifice would make way for the freedom to create the reality I chose. I wanted nothing more than to rise above our tragedy. Whether I'd emerge stronger and more resilient remained unknown. I looked over at the side table next to the glider and noticed a blank journal that my mom sent in a care package. She included a post-it note inside with the message to keep track of memories with your baby. XO Mommy. I grabbed a pen and started writing. October 28th, 2015 3:23 a.m. I'm awake. I forgive myself. I forgive Poppy. Poppy forgives me. Poppy is an angel loved perfectly during her time on earth. Now she is loving us from beyond… 

Around this time, Katie came across this quote by Chinese-American author and philosopher Deng Ming Dao that resonated: “Whether we remain the ash or become the phoenix is up to us.” 

We have a choice. And how making meaning out of the things that happen to us is.Totally our responsibility. And if we choose to do it, we get to write the story. We get to write the story of our lives…that for me was the first sign from the universe that. This would all make sense… 

The Grand Canyon

It was difficult to face neighbors and friends who assumed they’d had their baby and were starting their life as new parents. So Eli suggested they get out of town. They decided to take a road trip to the Grand Canyon and brought with them Poppy’s ashes. 

One morning before heading out on a hike, Katie was meditating.

… and felt very much like I was holding poppy. Poppy would have been six weeks old. And I remember sitting on the edge of the bed. I just remember feeling one, wanting, aching for that, what it felt like to hold a six week baby in my arms. The, you know, sort of that that classic position of just nurturing a little baby in your arms as if you were breastfeeding. And so I did that. I just I put my arms against one another, and I felt as if I was holding her. I was receiving signs and wouldn't have necessarily known how to articulate it, but it was definitely, you know, intuitive to say, ‘Poppy, will you send us a sign? Will you give us permission to scatter your ashes if that's something that you want?’

So after breakfast Katie and Eli drove to the South Kaibab trailhead. About a mile into the canyon Katie’s pelvis started throbbing. She was still recovering from labor. They took a break and hiked back out. After wandering around the visitor’s center and gift shop, they returned to the parking lot.

And we got back into the car and the the stereo started playing music and it was kind of loud. So I reached for the radio to turn it down and I saw that it was 3:39 p.m. and that was the moment that Poppy was born. And I hadn't, like I said, I hadn't really looked at the clock all day. It didn't matter. And I. Just like, Oh. Yeah, well. Look what time it is. Look, it's a sign. It's a sign. And he stopped. The parking lot was pretty much empty, so it was like no big deal. He just, like, put on the brakes. And we just stared at the radio and we just watched and we watched and we watched. And it was 3:39. It was 3:39. And we just watched the whole entire minute. And I was just like, that's it. That's it. She gives us her blessing. 

Deep Sea Grief

Eli and Katie grieved differently. Katie needed to express what she was going through while Eli didn’t really know how he felt. They sat down with a social worker at Seattle Children’s hospital. When Katie told her she felt like she had hit rock bottom, the counselor asked them to think about grief in a different way … more like an ocean.

I think what she was trying to say is you might go deeper, like it might there might actually even be. Right? …I think she sensed that I could handle it right. And she helped me understand that, like. You know, the ocean, like, you know. Those those scary creatures that live down there, It's freezing and it's dark and it's lonely and you're isolated and you can't see where you're going. And it just never seems to get there's never you never get a break, right? So she was just saying that, like, grief. Is like that. Like you can go so, so, so, so deep. But but being able to then, you know, eventually, of course, come back up to the surface and be able to to manage. Right. To be able to see that I can handle these waves. I can find out I can find ways to float, I can be buoyed. 

Katie felt “buoyed” by her community – the one surrounding her and the one on social media. She frequently received pictures of poppies from followers on Instagram or Facebook.

It was always very cathartic. And I think that the way I shared what I was going through always left room for hope. 

Rainbow Baby

About a year later Katie and Eli decided to try for another baby. One night in early 2017 they were getting ready to go to a party.

I remember feeling like, like feisty and funky and I was excited about going to this party. And then I thought to myself. 

…That maybe she should take an early home pregnancy test. And that’s how she discovered she was pregnant again.

Oh, man, that moment of just, like, realizing that we had done it. …I feel very strongly that Poppy chose me to be her mommy and that her mission of of spreading love and joy and possibility was something that she could do not in the physical form and that I was the mother who would be able to help her do that. And so when I got pregnant and knew that another spirit was in me, I was just like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm so excited.’ I was so excited.

But she was also quite nervous.

… I was just like, Oh my God, I have to make it all the way through to like, having a living baby in my arms for for this to be real…

But Katie learned to trust the process.

…talking about my anxiety, seeing specialists getting a whole lot of medical treatment that I hadn't had before. 

Then in October of 2017 not taking any chances, Katie decided to be induced at 39 weeks and gave birth to a girl. They named her Moxie. 

Yeah, my sweet moxie. Oh, she's such a she's such a dream. She's such an incredible gift. And I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be a parent to a living child. 

Moxie is what’s called a rainbow baby, a child born after the loss of another. Last year Katie published a memoir called “Still Breathing.” At times it was difficult to write. One thing that encouraged her to keep going was thinking of all the rainbow babies.

…conversations that I had with grown rainbow babies, like 40 and 50 year old, 60 year old people who knew about my story and would chat with me about it and say, Hey, Katie, I just want to let you know that I'm a rainbow baby. But I didn't find out that I was a rainbow baby til I was 40 or 45 or 50. And I always sensed that there was something in my life that was missing, but I never knew what. And I always wondered what that sadness was that hung over my mother's head. I never could figure it out. Or why did I feel like I was being compared to something that didn't exist? I mean, these really interesting conversations. And then they say, you know, and then come to find out my mother had a stillborn or come to find out my mother had a one year old that passed away. And they never told me.

Moxie’s Big Sister

Katie says Poppy is still very much with her.

She's kind of a mix of, you know, I could say spirit guide, guardian angel. I also very much still relate to her as my daughter. You know, she's even just the other day someone asked me if I had other children other than Moxie. And I don't always share because I've learned that, you know, in certain circumstances it's not relevant. But and I kind of hesitated and I said, Well, I do have two children. I carried her and I gave birth to her. And I have nurtured my relationship with her in the same way I think that I've nurtured my relationship with Moxie. I think about her every day. But I think about her so fondly. It's not with sadness.

Katie says she’s never hidden Poppy from her little sister. One day when Moxie was four she and Katie were sitting on the couch to read a book when Moxie looked at her mom and said, “you miss Poppy, don’t you?” That’s when Katie had a thought, maybe it was time to share pictures of Poppy with her little sister.

That was a really tender, really vulnerable moment for me. I was really nervous because I didn't know you know, I didn't know how she would respond. And we don't want to traumatize our little children or anything like that. But Moxie was totally ready and and received the pictures of her sister so sweetly. And, you know, for anyone who reads the book will will learn how how Moxie responded to that that moment and just how fulfilling it was and how much peace I felt afterwards and just knew that that was new, that that was the right thing to do to to invite her sister into her life, you know, to invite Poppy into Moxie's life. 

The Diagnosis

One night around the time Katie was in the process of revising her manuscript she was taking time out to tuck Moxie into bed.

...and my right arm was resting on my left breast and all. I just I felt this lump that I will swear up and down I had not felt the day before, and all of a sudden it was there and it was tender. And it was just it was really concerning. I just felt it in my gut. I just thought there's. I don't know what else this would be. I would have thought that I might be able to check the trauma box off of my list at some point. Right. And even still, there's parts of me that want to think I'm I'm done with that…ll right, universe. Like I'm good, right?  

Katie soon discovered she had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She quickly began five months of chemotherapy.

The medicine made me very sick and everything became about healing again. …any sort of like journey that my soul was on went to those those deeper parts of the ocean that I was warned about with Poppy, it was coming to terms with like the fact that children die and like, where does a soul go when it dies and how do I establish a relationship with my daughter in spirit? And then it became about. Oh I'm going to die and I'm mortal, and I might not have as long as I wanted to have. And now I have a daughter who might have a mother in spirit. You know, there was so much acceptance and surrender.

Many people go through life unaffected by such trauma. Katie has managed to face it twice. 

It flips your life on its head. Like, it is an incredibly disruptive, discombobulating, expensive, exhausting, draining marriage, disrupting parental relationship ups. You know, I mean, it just it seeps into everything. Your relationship with your body, you know, with your mortality, with your relationship with God. 

She’d thought about getting reconstructive surgery but knew it could be painful and there were risks of infection. That’s when she saw a photo of a woman who had chosen to have what’s called an aesthetic flat closure. 

I was so inspired by her bravery and courageousness. I saw this beautiful picture that a photographer had taken of her of of her one breast removed. And I was just like, wow, this is this is really something I could do. And I just felt that aside from sort of the, I think, historical like patriarchal history of pushing reconstruction in the breast cancer space. I mean, there are so many other women now who are just like, look, I'm I've been a mother, I've had my children. I don't need these breasts anymore. And I don't want to go through the process of this multiple surgeries and potential infections and so forth or so forth and so on. 

So after Katie had her breast removed, and had healed from surgery, she took off her shirt, stood in front of the mirror, and spoke these words, “you are stunning,” then she decided to take her own picture.

To show that picture, I think for me was just one of those things to say, ‘Hey, look, nobody can regulate me anymore.’ 

Recently Katie and Eli celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary. They’ve been through more in that time than most couples experience in a decades long marriage.

I've been forced into menopause. I mean, I you know, I've had a mastectomy. I had the six weeks of radiation. I have had many sleepless nights. Insomnia became an issue. Night sweats like all the stuff that I had to deal with, so our marriage has definitely taken a hit. But it hasn't changed our love for one another. If anything, it's it's actually deepened it. 

Coming To Terms With Mortality

Katie says Poppy’s loss helped her learn how to receive again.

…kind of with that phoenix metaphor where you have. To choose, you know, do I become the ash or do I rise up out of these these flames more radiant, more strong, more resilient than I've ever been before. …I firmly believe that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience. And so I try to remember that. I've really come to terms with my own mortality in this very peaceful way.

She also tells her oncologist she’s willing to do whatever it takes to beat cancer.

Katie has learned again and again that her life is not perfect. So many people show the world an airbrushed or photo shopped version of themselves. But Katie puts her authentic heartbreaking life lessons on display and finds people respond with love to her vulnerability. 

INSTAGRAM POST

Authenticity is my number one value, and vulnerability is my superpower.  And people love that about me. And so and I and I Love giving my I love giving that part of myself to others because I see how it opens other people up and gives them permission to remember or to admit or to to be exhausted, to need to heal, to, to get back into bed, you know, because I've had to do that so many. I'm almost like a different person. It's wild. I'm almost like a I'm just a I'm just like that. I really am kind of the best version of myself that I've ever been before. And I get to see what where that goes next. 

Today Moxie is almost six years old and loves reading time.

And I said to Moxie, ‘you know, darling, do you know, you know, someday. You're going to know how to read and you're going to get to read my book, too.’ And she was just like, ‘Oh, really?’ And I just think of that that day. Maybe it's maybe she's ten. Maybe she's, you know, a little older. I don't know when she reads this story and wow. Wow. You know, I just think what a gift this is to her. 

This is 2 Lives. I’m Laurel Morales.